It’s a 50% chance the dental floss on the floor is mine, but until I wrestle it back into the trash, I’m treating it like a cobra at large.
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I bet Lincoln is looking down like “dude, trust me, that is not a bad night in a theater”
My father once told me, “Son, if you want people to listen to what you have to say, claim it’s something your father told you.”
Me: They call me snowcone
Him: Sweet and fun to lick?
Me: In a constant state of meltdown
[Spelling Bee]
Judge: Your word is ‘babe’
Bee: B-A-E
J: Sorry. There’s another ‘B’
Bee: WHAT! WHERE?
*goes crazy*
*stings Judge*
*dies*
COP: So what happened?
ME: He stole my watch & ran away down the road
COP: Can you describe it?
ME: It’s like a big path that cars drive on
I can understand your anger at me, but what could you possibly have against the horse I rode in on?
I apparently said “keratin” instead of “ketamine” when discussing treatment options with my psychiatrist, so the bad news is that I remain a terminal depressive, but wow, my frizz is really well controlled.
[red carpet during zombie apocalypse]
“Who are you eating?”
Why would I want a vehicle that seats 8 people? I don’t even like 8 people.
I don’t need the audio tour at the museum, I have my teen to provide critical commentary the entire time.
Being the firstborn, I was the science experiment
I’m getting $875,000 back on my tax return. I recommend everyone do their own like I do.
Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation that there is someone out there that cares enough about me to kill me.
Someone posted a cute pic of several fluffy little baby chicks in a bucket and all I could think was “KFC preview.”
[everyone in the STI clinic glaring at my Pokemon shirt]
“No no it means like, I want to catch all the Pokemon”
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i have super vision
professor x: oh?
mom: stop talking to strangers
My new favorite headline
Started making anti-inspirational greeting cards.
Working from home has been a good way to find out which of my neighbors have loud lawnmowers and barking dogs. All of them. The answer is all of them.
Mr. Trump, who’s your Secretary of State?
TRUMP: To deal with China, one that speaks Mandarin [remembers to appeal to women] or Womandarin
There are no atheists in parking lots where you’ve dropped your phone face down on the asphalt.
I’m not saying I don’t like people… but if someone walks toward me in a library, I’ll plug my headphones into the book I’m reading.
It’s 2015. I can’t believe we’re still referring to a dress as colored.
*sends you a 13-page love letter & introduces you to my parents in order to scare your hiccups away*
*you’re cured*
One of my shoes has developed a squeak and now any walking I do has a slightly downcast Charlie Brown quality to it
Popeye: Whys you we’rin glasses? A-gah-gah-gah
Brutus: Doc says I need em bad
Olive: Hiya fellas
Brutus: *jumps back* THAT’S HOW YOU LOOK?
Pool party at my house… BYOP (Bring Your Own Pool)…
Life is like a box of chocolates. When it’s finished all you’ll have is a box.
Sundries sounds like something grandma would call scandalous underwear
Oh, please don’t pay attention on that voodoo doll you’re going to find outside your door!
That was by mistake