If you get nervous when the IT support desk takes control of your computer remember they’re whispering “no weirdos please” to themselves.
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Interviewer: “Where do you see yourself in five years?”
Me: “I’m pretty sure I’ll still be using a mirror.
Seeing a stuffed deer head on a wall makes me imagine its legs in the next room, just flailing around wildly.
Me: I don’t like where this is going
Driver: You ordered this Uber!
The movie ”Finding Nemo” would’ve lasted only 5 minutes if his mother would’ve looked for him.
Me: *snuggles under electric blanket*
Husband, from the other room: Are you cooking? I smell butter or grease or something
And that’s how I know I’ve eaten too much
I don’t need anyone with a so-called degree “to” tell me I use quotes wrong.
Me: This is DISGUSTING! WHO PEED ON THE WALL?!
7yo: Not me. I only pee on the floor.
About to go for a run, because shoplifting
My husband just called our dog, Gertie by her real name, Gertrude. She must be in a lot of trouble.
DATE: Tell me something most people dont know about you
ME: [leans across table and gets right next to her ear] I DONT KNOW HOW TO WHISPER
You are the toothpaste to my orange juice.
SISTER: i’m engaged!
ME: awwwwwwwwewwww
SISTER: did you sneak an ‘ew’ in there
ME: …no
Oh, more embarrassing things I have done as a lawyer:
While working from home, I joined zoom court with my microphone on, not realized it, and reacted to a knock at the door by yelling “I swear to god I am in court right now!” And the judge said, “yes, you are.”
Me and be Jealous?… HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA … Who is McDonald’s and why are you ‘lovin it’?
Hate being a funeral director
“why’d u take the job?”
I inherited it from my dad
“You could’ve just declined it”
And lose my first customer?
I told my therapist that I was suffering from affluenza.
He diagnosed me with delusions of grandeur!
#jokes
Who called it oatmeal-raisin instead of a misfortune cookie?
9 out of 7 people can’t do fractions
I CALL BULLSHIT
Let’s hear some tropes in TV/movies that are complete bullshit. I’ll start:
Dude making dinner produces a gourmet-looking dish, has a neatly folded hand towel thrown over his shoulder, and is wearing an *immaculate* white dress shirt. BULLSHIT!
“Anyway it was lovely to meet you!” – Translation: Off you go!
[1st day as chef]
[quiet shouting grows louder as I burst into the dining area covered in lobsters]
3-year-old: *sits at the table forever without touching anything*
Me: *eats one cold chicken nugget*
3: THAT WAS MINE!
Kinda weird that you can’t tickle yourself, but masturbation works.
I keep getting a message that “Twitter is having issues”
Good job guys…we drove twitter crazy!
*Batman, Superman, and Wonder Woman all avoiding eye contact with Aquaman as he walks in to work & sees Michael Phelps sitting at his desk*
They’ll continuously make Fast & Furious movies until it’s a bunch of old men trying to get out of a grocery store parking lot
A cup of water A cup of water
when it’s in when it spills
a cup on the table
I can’t take this anymore. I’m breaking into the zoo and throwing myself into the meerkat exhibit
[Giving directions in America]
Go two blocks down and take a left on 4th
[Directions in England]
Go down this road, past the big tree, over the bridge throwing a snack to the troll, dodge the wizard and it’s right there on the edge of the magical forest
“I could play my drum for him? Would your sleeping baby enjoy that?”