If you get pulled over by a cop, the smartest thing you can do is try and say “license and registration” at the same time he does and call “jinx” so he can’t say anything else.
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PSYCHIC: I can see your future
ME: Are you really a medium?
PSYCHIC: *shows me the size on her shirt tag*
ME: Medium. Son of a gun…
I’m a staunch supporter of something, I’m not sure what that is, yet. I just wanted to be staunch today.
Heard a rival dad in the neighborhood was handing out full size candy bars so now every trick-or-treater that comes to my door is getting an entire rotisserie chicken.
6yr old: *places dolls near me and lays a piece of paper down in front of each of us*
“We’re putting on The Little Mermaid with Ariel, Eric, Ursula, Sebastian And Flounder. Turn over your paper to find out your role.”
Me: *turns paper over, it says “a rock”*
Now that I’ve removed my windshield wipers I shouldn’t be getting anymore parking tickets.
Am I romantic?
I do the rose petal thing but I use potato salad.
So, I don’t know.
You tell me.
Thinking about this 37 year old baby from a flight safety brochure
“come on there is no place safer than on the surface of an asteroid out in the middle of space what could possibly happen out here”
Fun Prank: put a live turtle and a tiny pair of nunchucks in your toilet before your guests arrive
*Survives the apocalypse
*gets a popcorn kernel stuck in my teeth and dies a slow miserable death
Me: Hello, is it me you’re looking for?
Her: no
Me: *dials another number* Hello, is it me you’re looking for?
Microdosing being a pigeon by delivering a letter.
Ouija Board: Sorry that I never responded to your text.
I’m so pro-life,
I believe life begins at erection.
Headed to police station to go through mugshots for a date tonight. I don’t trust ChristianMingle.
“You never forget how to ride a bike” sounds like a dare to me.
Me[seeing snow for the first time]: Damn, that rain is thicc!
Your hands aren’t tied down when you’re at the dentist, you’re allowed to put your hands in his mouth too.
when everyone else grabs a partner immediately and the teacher says “why don’t you come up and dance with me”
Dad: “So what are you going to do after you graduate?”
Me: “well, mom said we’ll probably go out somewhere to eat”
I’m at my creepiest when I see a drunk chick crying outside of a bar and just think ‘bingo
All I’m saying is, if boring people to death was a real thing, I’d be a dangerous man.
ME: *holding door wide open for her*
HER: Are you saying I’m fat?
U U U U U U
An American’s tile rack after a Scrabble game.
I once made a mistake with plurals.
It was an amazing feet.
“Look guys! No hands!”
-captain of the Titanic
normal person: 9+7=16
me: if 10+7 is 17 and 9 is one less than 10 then 9+7 must be 16
When a woman says she’ll be ready in 5 minutes, I know I have just enough time to fly to space & finish building my Death Star before we go.
Holy moly
Nothing says “high-functioning alcoholic” like being really good at darts.