If you get robot arms don’t get the cheap ones [starts clapping for no reason]
You Might Also Like
Twitter remains undefeated
*literally any business fails*
journalist: ahh yes, the millennials
kidnapper: if u don’t eat this salad we’ll kill ur friend
me:
kidnapper:
me: which friend
them: did u get my email?
me: [saw it but completely forgot to respond] omg no can u resend?
Is Pepsi ok?
*I pull out my phone and send a text*
*2 hours pass*
*an out of breath Dikembe Mutumbo runs in wagging his finger*
No it is not
[jazz club]
date: I love the sound of double bass
me: [sexily] bass bass
All cars should have a robot hand built into the driver’s seat headrest. If you don’t use your turn signal, it flicks you in the ear for the rest of the trip.
Don’t worry about my probation officer, he just likes to watch.
Dear teenage kids of mine,
When you tell me that I’m embarrassing you, I think back to all those toddler years when you embarrassed me.
So I’m going to keep dancing in the aisles of the grocery store and singing in the car with the windows down because that’s karma!
I’ve never seen the movie Snakes On A Plane. What’s it about?
The guy who first said “hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil” was a genius, but the next guy who put it with monkeys, not so much.
The year is 2030: All corporations have merged and every night before bed you say a prayer to your cable company.
I get home and realize where my house stood a shark now sits dressed as a house with its mouth open
Shark:[nervously makes house noises]
[Jesus at the bar]
“Oh, I’ll just have a water”
*winks at camera*
Cheerleaders are there to tell you that your team needs to score more points & the name of your team in case you forget at any given moment
If you do not brick up your chimney this year to keep Santa out, you’re not taking this virus very seriously.
If you lean on the car horn for more than 2 seconds, the airbag should deploy and shatter your hand against your own forehead.
Boomer neighbors on NextDoor: “Kids never go outside and play anymore! The parks and alleys are empty!”
Boomer neighbors IRL: “How dare neighborhood children play a game of basketball outside on a summer evening at a nice normal volume! Go inside!”
Wife: It’s like we don’t even know each other anymore
Me: Not this crap again, Brenda
Wife: That’s not my name
We got our cats a water fountain. Now they stand around it holding little paper cups and gossiping about us.
Mike Pence has a strong resume, including Governor of Indiana and Shawshank Prison Guard. #VPDebate
[goes to sign up for course on how to handle bad news better]
“sorry, we’re full”
[lights myself on fire]
It doesn’t matter how many signs I put up around the office, HR said high five a co-worker in the face with a shovel day isn’t a thing.
If the name of a show is just some guy’s name you know its about a killer.
E.g. Dexter, Barry, Arthur
Sometimes I think about Adam and Eve and how they couldn’t even get a babysitter.
Girl Scout Samoa cookies are my favorite. But they gotta do something about that single serving size box.
Maybe she was born with it, maybe she was forged in the fires of Mount Doom.
Flight Attendant: Sir, you need to put your iPhone in airplane mode.
Me: We’ve been cleared for takeoff for twenty minutes. You need to put this airplane in airplane mode.
Putting on mascara without opening my mouth is on my bucket list
When the stylist spins you back around