@DaddyJew: If you give a man a fish he'll eat for a day but if you teach a kid how to make pop tarts your job as a parent is pretty much done
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@gringothespice: Have been woken up with the hangover from hell by the sound of my neighbour's lawn mower. He'll just have to mow around me, I'm not moving.
@iamburtjarvis: [2011, pakistan, seal team 6 enters the compound] "chief, something has brought the boys to the yard" bin laden [making a milkshake]: SHIT