@DaddyJew: If you give a man a fish he'll eat for a day but if you teach a kid how to make pop tarts your job as a parent is pretty much done
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@cjcapbt: I knew I was going to jail when I yanked at the cop pants and they didn't tear away ..
@TheSchnizzy: Wife: you're so damn forgetful! M: oh nonsense! W: ok, did you get the cat food? M: WE HAVE A CAT??
@myonlymizztake: Autocorrect changed fries to friend and I think I've offered to eat my friend. I'm not sure if I should clarify, or see where it goes.
@JediGigi: [end of date] Him: I'll text you soon. Her: Cool. I'll just sit here in your car until you do.