@DaddyJew: If you give a man a fish he'll eat for a day but if you teach a kid how to make pop tarts your job as a parent is pretty much done
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@AristotlesNZ: Him: Ha! I got your ATM card. Me: So? You'll never guess my PIN. Him: Is it 6969? Me:.. Him:. Me:.. Him:. Me: Seriously dude, give it back.
@illuminatedwndr: hey people that post selfies on Instagram and caption it 'No Filter', go with a filter next time. serious
@theshantilly: Me: What's w/the ice pack? 12: I have a headache. Me: Do you think it's a good idea to play video games if you have a headache? 12: Yes.
@SarcasticAlly12: My 5 yo after I explained the concept of breastfeeding: "can you squeeze Capri Suns outta those things or just milk?"