@DaddyJew: If you give a man a fish he'll eat for a day but if you teach a kid how to make pop tarts your job as a parent is pretty much done
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@candy_badass: Loneliness Status: Eating donuts and talking to the dog. He seems interested, but I think it's the donut.
@nedostup: Every woman says she wants to be treated like a princess, until you try to marry her off to your most powerful ally.
@RidiculousSheri: Yelp Review: Babies Cute at first, but then screamy like angry pterodactyls. There is literally poop everywhere. Would not recommend.
@geekysteven: BUZZ ALDRIN:They say in space no one can hear you scream, but it's not true and the other astronauts get mad at you for the rest of the trip