If you give a man a fish you kinda suck at picking out gifts.
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3: Daddy, please don’t do that joke anymore.
Me: Which one, buddy?
3: Any of them.
Dear parents,
Here is your reminder to delete the 1000 photos your 3-year-old took while playing with your phone.
Oh you’re a Football fan? Okay then name 3 of their albums. Yeah. That’s what I thought.
[me narrating a documentary about grasshoppers]
And here we see these little liars hopping on sand.
Was shocked to hear this little girl say she wanted to be a street walker when she grows up until I realized she meant a crossing guard.
Google isn’t much help if you can’t think of the word ‘zebra’
American cheese is just regular cheese that’s not afraid to fight for freedom! Also, it’s fatter than the other cheeses. And more racist.
* flirting with disaster
disaster: Gross
I’m going to leave the presents out and hide my kids in the closet until Christmas.
*incoming text*
“hey bud can I crash at ur place”
Sure come on over
*sound of approaching airplane*
*ordering from the neighborhood Saudi restaurant*
Me: I’ll have a quart of the Chicken dump truck with a side of She is suspicious of cheese.
I’ve just used glitter spray paint in a confined space, and now I’m on another planet busting disco moves with an intoxicated pixie.
Just saw a disheveled man in a bathrobe run out of an uber to an atm. Whose client is this?
With one taste of my signature black velvet cake you discover that it’s a regular red velvet cake that I left in the oven too long.
The first 5 days after the weekend are always difficult😭
My body is a “wonder what happened” land
God: eat the green apples but NEVER touch the red ones
Adam & Eve: [brand new humans] what is green and red?
God: eh you’ll figure it out
Could reporters stop asking if political leaders “believe” in climate change and start asking if they understand it instead
God: [creating Guy Fieri] “Hand me a head.”
Angel: We’re out of human heads.
God: “Hand me a pineapple.”
Santa said I can’t have a pool boy ‘til I get a pool. Foiled again.
[at the ballet]
“Their feet must be killing them. Why don’t they just hire taller ballerinas?”
Most of my one night stands happened because they knew they would get a fabulous breakfast the next morning.
You gotta sprinkle in a few yeahs with those uh huhs or else they’re gonna know
It’s the best dill pickle ever, but the restaurant won’t tell me what kind it is. To what lengths will I go to find out? None.
How we’re different…
You threw a penny in the well & wished for a pony.
I threw a penny in the well & wished for that pony to kick you.
HER: do you own any firearms
ME [trying to impress]: no but I have some hot legs
Me: *watching Fargo* Hmmm everybody seems to mostly be traveling short distances
The problem with having a large imagination is that you can imagine your friends naked. Now you’re doing it too.
Good night hand
Good night toe
Good night every noun I know-my toddler, at bedtime
Me: *looking at pics* Cute! What breed is it? Looks like a Puggle
Co-worker: It’s my daughter
Me: Yeah, they feel like family, don’t they?