If you give a man a fish you kinda suck at picking out gifts.
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Haunted Houses this year are just gonna have the news on.
Alanis Morissette: It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a knife.
Spoons R Us clerk: Ma’am, nobody asked you to shop here.
No officer, my car was already upside down when I got here.
Sticks and stones may break my bones
but words can SUMMON DEMONS
My soon to be ex-wife just told me I need to face my demons.
WTF. I was looking right at her.
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you have extremely good judgement.
Ladies,
Please stop answering our questions with “yes, of course”. All you’re doing is forcing us to nod our heads like we knew that.
Men
Schrödinger’s cat wasn’t so special. I’m both alive and dead inside 24/7.
Potatoes & rice should be friends but they’re starch enemies.
You know instead of saying half a dozen you could just say 6, right?
me in the kitchen: how do i crack an egg
me watching great british bake off: what kind of an idiot forgets to poke steam holes in their banquet pie
My boss is so lazy he just clutched his chest and tumbled down the stairs and now he’s asleep at the bottom.
Dude. It’s just a crayon. Don’t do anything drastic.
I wanna get in touch with those teachers who told me that I have potential, and be like, “Ha! I didn’t amount to anything! In your face!”
I don’t have kids, but once I was on a plane next to a man and his young daughter, a first-time flier, and as she looked out the window and squealed with excitement, I found myself thinking about how differently things could have turned out if I’d gotten that window seat.
[Robert Oppenheimer, hands clasped behind back, standing in front of the newly completed atomic bomb] Now I am become death, destroyer of worlds…
[another scientist who worked on the project] me too
I used to think it would be fun to be a contestant on Chopped, then I birthed my own mini judges who criticize and reject everything I cook.
3yo: daddy why is everyone wearing masks?
Me: *considering how honest I want to be with my toddler* Ninja invasion.
Be romantic. Send her a dozen of red flags 🤨
DATE: I want someone that is focused on their own personal growth
ME: [to the waiter] On second thought, I’ll have two lasagnas, this evening
I’d run way more miles a day if someone holding a bagel was running in front of me and someone holding a spider was chasing after me.
[Judge] everyone is here, the new court reporter is ready, we may begin
[Me, nervously] wait did he say REPORTER? i thought it was–
[Lawyer] ladies and gentlemen of the jury…
[Me, sweating] *starts playing hot cross buns*
[interrogation]
“Where were u on the night of the 3rd?”
Stabbing a homeless man.
“Louder for the tape?”
Wrapping a boneless ham. As a gift.
Me: Let’s consult the Magic Eight-ball
Eight-ball: STEAL A CAR.
wanted to know why i’ve been napping so often lately so i consulted webmd….. it’s not looking good, guys 😔
“Your mother and I are separating but it’s not your fault, we love the three of you very much.”
“There are four of us.”
“You heard me.”
“Okay, try putting it in reverse.”
“I raised you better than that!!!!” you very obviously did not
2yo: Mommy, the baby is being ridiculous!
Me: He is? How?
2yo: *exasperated* Because he won’t talk to me!!
Me:
I’ve been avoiding the news like crazy. We could’ve landed on the Moon this morning for all I know.