If you give a man a fish you kinda suck at picking out gifts.
You Might Also Like
Clubbing in my 20s:
Spills beer *everywhere*
Clubbing in my 40s:
Everywhere is so sticky!?
nothing more Los Angeles than an earthquake getting jealous of the publicity the hurricane is getting
why do people say “he died in a bungee jumping accident”? it’s not an accident. he dove headfirst off a bridge connected only by an elastic cord. it’s an accident if he survives. say “he died while bungee jumping, obviously”
Interviewer: so tell me your strengths
Me: conducting interviews
Interviewer: *narrows eyes*
Me: so tell me your weaknesses
Interviewer: *starts sweating*
no job yet but i’ve been staying busy!
Them: “Would you like to eat an entire loaf of bread?”
Me: “No thank you.”
Them: “What if we gave you a pot of cheese and a little poker and called it fondue?”
Me: “I’m in.”
Me: My heartburn is out of control
Dr: Are you still taking your meds
Me: Yes I take them every morning with my 1st pot of coffee
Dr: (exhaling loudly)
Chief: You’re the WORST cop in the department! Hand over your gun and badge!
Me: *realising I left both in my son’s crib* Uhhhhh….
Me: Honey, I left work early to pick up the kids!
Wife: But we d..
*I arrive into the kitchen with two small goats
Meet Frank and Dolores
shoutout to everyone trying to look busy instead of working the final hours before a holiday weekend
My husband laughed at one of my jokes and said I’m funny, and now I’m sus, like just how many Amazon packages are getting delivered to him today.
[walking out of restaurant]
DATE: let’s do this again
ME: thank god I’m starving
Me and the fellas making welcome gift baskets for the aliens.
One time we sold our house and when we were moving my husband commented how the blinds never collected dust. “Let’s try to buy those same blinds!”
Me, the invisible duster: ok
Ted Talks how about Ted shut up for once
Eating a cucumber would be the 2nd worst way to discover that you are allergic to cucumbers.
As soon as I finish building this trebuchet, I, too, shall be a flight risk
There should be an energy drink named 6 AM toddler.
I asked my son how his first full day went and he described in detail a bug he saw at recess and revealed no further information
Whenever I have to park in a bad neighbourhood I leave my Blackberry in plain sight so people know there’s nothing worth stealing in my car
WIFE: *yells into basement* Our savings account is entirely empty. Do you know what happened?
ME: *assembling robot monkey butler* No idea
Thinking of opening a new deli in India but I have no idea what to call it.
if u hurt ur leg u can use the frozen veggies at whole foods as ice packs 4 free. hold on im getting an update from the manager. no u cannot
Reached a point in my life that I have no ‘bones to pick’ nor ‘axes to grind’. Most would call it forgiveness, I call it memory loss and it’s peaceful.
[awkwardly waving to another killer as we dump bodies in the same forest]
If your therapist thinks your alien abduction stories make you sound delusional, just wait till they hear about your TC.
My mom didn’t care what my teachers names were, anytime she had to write a letter to the school it always started out the same. “To whom it may concern”
Bought a bag of frozen chopped onions because I want to start crying slowly today
[emptying dishwasher]
HOW IN THE HELL DO I FIT ALL THESE COFFEE CUPS IN THE CABINET
A 22 year old girl said to me “there’s NO WAY you are 41”
I put her in my pocket and took her home.
She’s mine now.