@DirtMcTurd: If you give me a hard time about being out of shape I will bury you in a shallow grave. A very, very, shallow grave
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@Parkerlawyer: 5,"So we don't get to open any presents today?" Me, "No." 5, "So basically Thanksgiving is just Christmas for your tummy, right?"
@WheelTod: My career as a karate instructor was tragically curtailed when parents found out I was wholly unqualified & just enjoyed kicking children.
@CarolinaSong: Girls are like math problems. If they are under 18, its best you do them in your head
@KThonvold: Pro Tip: You can slap anybody, as hard as you want, as long as you yell "spider" first. They may even thank you.