If you give me a hard time about being out of shape I will bury you in a shallow grave. A very, very, shallow grave
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*Woman throws a drink in my face but I swallow it all perfectly*
none of you hit me with your car this morning and now i have to go to work. thanks
“can we play our computers on the plane?”
bro, you and your sister can give each other face tattoos for all I care, just leave me alone
*a tear runs down my cheek*
someone ripped my self portrait
*a tear runs down my cheek*
I photoshopped some long arms onto a T rex. Those short ones don’t look so stupid now, do they?
Is “asking for a friend” just a way people can nonchalantly ask a question while making it seem like someone else asked? Asking for a friend
Forget carrying me to bed; carry me to the end of the workweek. Then we can talk
Sorry we can’t be friends, but you spent $50 on a wine scented candle because it smelled good instead of just buying me five bottles of wine.
Explaining to my future spouse that I’ll never retire bc I bought too many treats in the summer of 2023
“And on the 7th day he rested”. Obviously God had not yet created laundry at that point.
Part of the fun of buying a new house is exploring what the previous owners left behind. Old pennants, newspapers, grandma, etc.
Why, as a hair, would you even wanna be ingrown. Like why are you doing that???
Never mistake my silence for weakness. No one plans a murder out loud.
[Arby’s]
BRO [jumping into car]: GO
ME: it’s lunch, not a bank heist
B: they put EXTRA CURLY FRIES in the bag
M: OMG I’m too pretty for jail
When the sonographer says your ovaries look like the dark side of the moon, that’s good, right?
[trying to impress date]
Him: I want someone who’s not afraid of a little PDA.
Me: *keys I WANT THE SEX into the side of his car*
FBI BOSS: We’ve finally found you a new partner. So what do you say when you meet him?
ME: Nice to meet you.
BOSS: And what do you not say?
ME: *sigh* Let’s turn this FBI onto an FB Us.
If I wash a load of dishes everyday all of my dishes stay clean
If I skip one day I have 7000000000 loads of dishes the next day.
How?
My daughter used to be afraid of the monster in her closet but like I told her, it’s the ones under your bed that you really need to worry about
Mirror: If you break me, it’s 7yrs bad luck.
Condom: LOL
me: i need a new hat to wear for when i go sailing on my yacht
salesman: cap size?
me: i hope not
We can land a rover on freakin Mars but still no single-button to push for the
¯_(ツ)_/¯ emoji
[in hell]
Me: omg is that melted cheese
Satan: no it’s lav-
Me: *already waist deep* ope real hot
I’m really hoping. .. . .
My son doesn’t ask why
the lady in the hotel next door wants the man to go deeper with their prayers to god.
ME: *as a surgeon* What’s the worst that could happen? Your nose buzzes & we put all the pieces back & start over…Where are you going?
Good morning to everyone except people that eat while leaving you a voicemail.
Staples is attempting a hostile takeover
of its rival Office Depot.Office Depot has retaliated by
snapping rubber bands at Staples.
My kids are running around the house with animal plushies and figurines making the wildest noises, and when I asked what they were playing, they said, “RABIES.” Oh, okay.
Stop giving me life advice, people who don’t know how crocodiles have sex.
If we’re talking & I start running my nails up & down your arm, I either really like you, or I’m looking for an artery close to the surface.