If you give me a hard time about being out of shape I will bury you in a shallow grave. A very, very, shallow grave
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Therapist: What’s the problem?
Wife: He makes friends with the strangest things
Me [petting a bee]: You’re not strange are you Alan
PER MY LAST EMAIL
[restaurant]
Me: I’m gonna run into their kitchen and grab some extra cheese
Her: … you definitely don’t have permission
Me: It’s actually pronounced parmesan
*holds up bread* this is my body
*holds up wine* this is my blood
*holds up fire* and this is my mixtape
As a kid, I always wondered why my mom never wore the macaroni necklace I made her to work. And now I’m a mom and I’m like, Oh. OK.
Imagine if every Sunday all your friends decided to only speak in a foreign language. That’s how I feel during football season.
my friends: “im not a hater but-”
me: “dont worry i am”
Not in the turkey day spirit? Every time someone wishes you a Happy Thanksgiving just look them in the eye and say Gobble.
Dam, girl. What did you think I was building?
– Beaver
Couples therapist: So what brought you here today?
Me: An uber haha
Wife: omg this is what I’m talking about!
Couples Therapist: Yes
Wife: He’s hilarious but useless in bed
If you don’t get my sarcasm, you obviously lack a sense of humor
If I don’t get your sarcasm, you just suck at it
I bet dogs have a really hard time playing Twister
Left paw: grey
Other left paw: darker grey, but not the darkest grey. Sort of in between
Saw a cloud stuck in a tree so I climbed it and tried to shake it loose but now I’m stuck in a cloud please help
This lady just licked her finger and wiped her daughters face…
<–Hands her some Listerine and gets in line to be cleaned
Neighborhood so sketchy, Santa removes the reins from his sleigh and carries them in with him.
If you wanna get on a diet replace the light in your fridge with an air horn .!!
If I could be any animal I’d pick a turtle, strictly for the chance, however slight, I could be turned into a ninja.
The flight attendant has said “..and one in the rear” 3 times now and I’m Paul. I’m 12 years old.
Let’s make “door pants” a thing. Those pants you leave by your front door so when delivery people knock on your door you have easy access.
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
Well, I’ve put it off long enough. I guess I should check on those wraith-like noises coming from the attic. I’ll be right back.
For a one-way mission to Mars, we should send a blogger. Not so they can blog about the experience, but so there’d be one less blogger.
How many glasses of wine equals two servings of fruit?
Asking for a friend.
Stop saying I’m not a nice person, I have a pillow in my trunk.
this is going to be a tight week. is stealing still wrong and stuff?
DENTIST: let’s get started, shall we? *places drill on tray*
ME: um
D: *places giant needle on tray*
ME: uhhhhh
D: *places handgun on tray*
Expressing laughter as “tee-hee” is only acceptable in written form.
Everybody knows that.
son: I don’t think he likes me
wife: your dad just has a hard time showing affection
me: [holding bag of doritos] GOD I LOVE DORITOS
has anyone researched why & how Timothee Chalamet has been 17 years old for nearly a decade
Nobody:
Paintball field I went to for a birthday party in 2013: Hey man I bet you’re wondering how we’re handling all this