If you glue a dead wasp to your palm, you can smack your boss on the back of the head as hard as you want and act like you saved him.
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Ain’t no party like a pig farm party cuz a pig farm party got slop.
When I was a kid there were two sure ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.
i quit boxing the moment i realized my opponent was allowed to punch me in the face too
Synchronized diving would be far more interesting without the pool.
As a man with a beard, I can tell you, when you get sauce in there you just rub it in. It’s part of the beard now
I want my house to be tidy enough that if someone unexpectedly stops by, it doesn’t look like we’re seven hours in to battling a bear that broke in.
I’ve had to walk past this monstrosity every day for the last few weeks and it’s really taking a toll.
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: I turn everyone into a character from the movie Grease
professor x: tell me more, tell me more
honestly it just makes me fat free italian when u tell me salad dressings aren’t a good way to describe emotions
[McDonald’s drive thru]
ME: i’d like a happy meal with a coke
HIM: will that be a regular coke or an eight ball?
Old enough to remember when infectious laughter had a positive connotation
Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “East.”
Biden: Trump’s sons were nice
Obama: Considering you called them the Menendez brothers all day
B: Uday and Qusay?
A first date is probably the best time to show off your wicked hand puppet skills.
DJ: WAVE YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR LIKE YOU JUST DON’T CARE
*crowd nervously looks at each other
*meek yet courageous man steps up
M: No.
I just want to live in a world where every slice of bacon is perfectly fried, beer flows freely from the kitchen tap, pandemics are a thing of the past…
… and that world peace thing.
[ first date ]
her: i want a partner that can open my heart
me: well i am a surge-
her: and never do anything to shock me
me: protector
I bought an online course to improve my memory but forgot the password to access it
Actually, this is my first rodeo. Why is that angry cow trying to kill me?
You can name literally any food or drink to the dentist and they’ll be like “ohhh 😕 that’s actually so bad for your teeth. You should only eat water and toothpaste.”
If we just refer to ISIS as “Nickelback” maybe nobody will want to join them
Please pray for my friends’ 4 yr old. I just found out that ten minutes of his life wasn’t photographed or documented on Facebook today.
[commencement speech]
when I look out at all your faces, I see future leaders & scientists who will change the world, I also see probable felons & a whole bunch of divorcees, some of you will be great inventors, some of you will get a dui and- what? no I don’t go to this school
When your kid asks you where the other parent is, they’re really saying that they’d like to speak with the manager.
[gets invited to a party where kids are welcome]
*me to my baby goat* This is your moment to shine!
Of course I can cook.
What kind of cereal would you like?
Mugger: Hand over your wallet or else!
Me: *wearing a deodorant that promises 48 hour protection* Or else what?
my lawyer: “if you think of anything important write it down and pass it to me”
me: “ok”
[in court]
me: [passes him note]
DONALD DUCK AND WINNIE THE POOH COULD COMBINE WARDROBES AND STILL HAVE LITERALLY ZERO TROUSERS
my lawyer: “your honor the defense requests a 5 minute recess”
If an Orange tries to sell you drugs, don’t buy them. Chances are you’ve already done enough drugs.
Me: This little kid sitting next to me in a restaurant wouldn’t stop screaming so I decided to scream back and wow I totally get why kids scream it’s so freeing and so much better than actually verbalizing your emotions
Therapist: I think you’re regressing
Me: *screams* am i?