If you glue a dead wasp to your palm, you can smack your boss on the back of the head as hard as you want and act like you saved him.
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I’ve been putting a scoop of sherbet on my neighbor Leslie’s car, every morning for six years. Today he shot me with an arrow.
Lots of people have prayed for my downfall. You’re just going to have to get in line, mom.
Bed Bath & Beyond starts off pretty normal-sounding, but then it goes galactic.
The charge in my hair clippers died before I finished! I’ve never sympathized more with women in my life.
If you could pick a super power what would it be? Mine would be eating a nutritious meal when I’m depressed
WIFE: honey?
ME: yes dear
WIFE: did something hit the car
ME: yes deer
WIFE: do you know what it was
ME: yes deer
WIFE: was it an animal
ME: yes deer
WIFE: was it a rabbit
ME: no deer
Eddie is one of our desert tortoises. If you don’t push the door shut all the way, he will open it and come in. Eddie is probably over 50 years old, and ours is at least the third house in our neighborhood he’s lived at.
I’m at the point where my mind thinks I’m 29, my knees suggests I’m 80, and my back wonders why I’m not dead yet.
My husband and I moved a heavy piece of furniture last night and I’d like to apologize to our kid’s teachers for their new language skills
I really love how squirrels get extra chubby heading into winter mostly because it’s super relatable
being a parent can be really hard but one day your kid will do something simple like bring you breakfast in bed and in that moment you’ll know in your heart that you have to go and clean the kitchen
There were a lot of tears when I dropped my kid back to school today. I think it’s really unprofessional when his teacher cries in front of us.
“Honey did you put a dead rattlesnake in my boot?”
Oh it died?
I have two dogs, one dominates, the other is a subwoofer.
When someone says they were shook, I presume they meant as a baby.
*trying a new meal*
Wife: how do you like it?
Son: *hesitating* my water’s pretty good
How can you tell when a duck is a witch?
Date a person who doesn’t use drugs so they won’t use yours.
Movember is over, so this week anyone looking like a pedophile is actually a pedophile.
I bought a new BMI smart scale so that I could have a technologically advanced and detailed reason to cry every morning.
I beg your pardon?
The opposite of formaldehyde is casualdejekyll.
Yesterday my son told me I was the funniest person he knows which was so sweet. Then he asked for twenty dollars.
JERRY: So apparently, the body keeps the score.
GEORGE: The body, eh?
KRAMER: Oh yeah.
GEORGE: I don’t know what my score is, but I got a feeling I lost.
JERRY: Two seconds you’ve known about this. You’re already sure you’re losing?
GEORGE: If a score’s being kept, I’m losing.
‘So Timmy, how did you fall into that well?’
‘Oh. I never fell in, I was p-
*sees Lassie do cut throat motion*
-was jumping in.’
Yes I have exams.
No, I’m not easily distracted.
Yes, my shadow is interesting.
If you’re a cannibal, it’s technically hunting, not murder.
Infomercial Host: Who wants to fix their chronic acne problem?
Audience: *clapping*
Host: Sir, are you leaving?
Wile E. Coyote: *shuffling out on broken rocket skates* I misread the flyer
Please don’t use the phrase, “make love,” unless you’re speaking about what you want to do to a cheeseburger.
When I was younger MTV actually played videos. That’s what the M stands for. Music. Not Maternity, Motherhood or Moron.