*winks*
*shrugs*
*wiggles eyebrow*
*does jerk off motion*
*waves hands in the air like I just don’t care*
*does the hokey pokey*
*walks like an Egyptian**wonders why he didn’t ask for my number*
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“I love ribs! What are ribs, anyway? Are they like cow, or like people…or?”
-my 6yo daughter, that’s apparently not disturbed by cannibalism
nobody:
my fish before I fry it:
Nobody likes failing a CAPTCHA but you don’t need to worry if you’re really a robot unless you notice more than the normal amount of springs and gears in your poop.
I hate when I order too large a portion of ribs that it tips my car over and my modern stone age family has to get back home on foot.
I’m not one to kink shame but I just found out my boyfriend has a new fetish for sleeping with other women.
“those tattoos will make it harder to get a job” ok well so will my personality.
I burn microwave popcorn in the break room at work to get back at those who always warm up fish leftovers
Travis Kelce is living the dream of every unknown comedian rn. Having hordes of people share your old tweets and being like, “this guy is hilarious”
THERAPIST: what’s the problem?
WIFE: he objectifies women
ME: [trying to stuff bread into her armpit] toaster
[pet store]
Um hi can I have 4 turtles & 1 rat
Clerk: hah trying to make ur own ninja turtles dude
Me:*hiding miniature sai and katana* n no
The inventor of the wooden spoon: this will change cooking forever
Italian Mothers: I can’t wait to hit my kids with this
Me: Sorry, I pretended I was driving through a tunnel and couldn’t hear you when you started talking all romantic and shit.
Him: I was sitting right beside you. I think we need to talk about this.
M: keuuuuugh…shssssssh…weeeeeee
H: Still right beside you.
My wife and I tried for a long time to have kids. Nearly 12 minutes one night.
Single men not in love with me.
Explain yourselves.
Thanks for telling me this is your “pet cat” because otherwise I might have thought it was your business associate cat.
13 pulled me away from my desk “to come and taste the pizza she made” and incidentally a sink full of dishes ready to wash.
god forbid anyone in my family is kidnapped, the kidnapper will bark complicated instructions thru a tube sock on the phone and hang up, i’m on the other end saying huh i gotta do what now
If approached by a bear, you can play dead, or you can acknowledge the bear, say hello, and see what it needs. Have some decency
Tweet like you’ll never run for public office.
selfie game
[wheel of fortune]
me: id like to buy a vowel
pat: arent u a millenial
me: [sigh] id like to rent a vowel
When you look up from your phone only to realize that the woman at the grocery store you’ve been following is not your wife.
My 6yo sprayed me with the bathroom air freshener, so now I smell like eau de toilette.
Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a brown paper bag over my mouth…and drink all the vodka inside.
It seems to help
Taking spiders outside to “help” them, buddy this is their house you weren’t born here
Son: Facebook is for old people.
Me: That’s not true, pretty much everyone I know is on i- …oh…
the lights on this hospital in my hometown have gone out in a majorly unfortunate way :/
I gave my son an iPhone for Christmas and I haven’t seen him since.
Parenting is easy.
My neighbor bought a fancy ride-on mower for a quarter-acre backyard. That’s like buying a motorcycle you only ride to the mailbox.
It’s 2014 and somehow we still don’t have a car mirror that can make objects appear exactly as far away as they are.