@KKAlThani: If you go by "there are plenty more fish in the sea" you'll never find love cause let's start with the fact that you think you can date fish
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@qqnqui: Skipped the gym today to go to McDonald's. The bus did not come back, so I had to walk 2 miles home. Well played, universe.
@ThingsJackDigs: “You a cop?” UNDERCOVER COP: No. “So you wouldn't mind if I … threw these donuts away?” UC: *sweats profusely*
@joshgondelman: "At least you're going to get a lot of material out of this," is comedian-speak for, "Sorry about your life, dude."