Gf: I ate that Twix you bought for yourself
Me: I see
Gf: Are you gonna over-react?
Me: Of course not, I know exactly what to do
Ex Gf: what
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The elevators aren’t working and I work on the 10th floor.
I just may become the first person ever to call in sick from the security desk.
INTERVIEWER: On average, how often do you miss work?
ME: *sweating profusely* NO ONE SAID THERE’D BE MATH
She took one of the many decoy hoodies that I leave strategically around my place. She never even came close to my true inventory.
I told him to drive me crazy in the bedroom, so he put the window blinds at different heights.
FYI a woman in Italy told me it’s healthy to eat pasta every day as long as you only eat lasagna on the weekends I am seeking no further nutrition opinions at this time
COWORKER: turn that frown upside-down!
ME: *rotates head 180 degrees along vertical axis as eyes go black and lights flicker*
CW: uuhh…
When someone at the gym asks if I’m “using that equipment”, I say “No, my love for it is real.” To date, I’m the only one to find that funny
When people ask if I’m being serious or if I’m joking, my answer is always yes.
you have three unread messages
How do you end an argument with a woman?
Tell her to calm down.
You’re dead now but the argument is over.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: Your word is “incorrect”
KID: I haven’t spelled it yet
JUDGE: No, that’s your word
KID: T-H-A-T-’-S
JUDGE: No-
KID: N-
Now I’m getting threatened with “we have access to your iCloud.” I’ll be honest, I stand by most of my nudes. Frankly I’m way more embarrassed by all the inspirational quotes I’ve screen grabbed.
LEGALIZE MEDICINAL MURDER
It’s not just that they lie, it’s that they lie the way an 8 year old lies.
Moana is my favourite movie about The Rock continually trying to drown a little girl.
*2 dogs watching a person walk into the house. one of them whispers to the other*
now, try not to go berserk but that’s the guy who knows where all the treats are
I know that when my husband gets home late tonight he’s going to eat all the chips so this leaves me with no choice but to eat all the chips first
Me: I’d like to schedule an eye exam.
Receptionist; Any particular reason?
Me: Bikini season.
If I were lost and all I had was a compass I would still be lost.
A person followed me and then unfollowed me within 3 minutes. How can they judge me after only seeing 47 tweets?
man: want a carrot?
horse: ok.
man: we’re friends now right.
horse: i guess.
man: great hey can you help me move.
Allow me to explain how to sew on a button:
A thread.
My wife was shocked when she found out I was a bad electrician.
If you put on country music in my car, I have one question:
How the hell did you break into my car?
Her: You secretly think you’re smarter than everyone else, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
Didn’t realize how much I drank over the holiday. The Urgent Care doc wants to put my liver in a walking cast.
interviewer: any questions?
me: yes, what are your strengths?
[1st date]
Her: So, were you born here?
Me: [an idiot] In this restaurant? No. I was born in a hospital.
[in bed]
Him: What are you thinking?
Me: (blushing) I don’t wanna say
Him: You can tell me
Me: I wish I knew more about campaign finance law