@shanethevein: If you go into a bar by yourself and ask for a water the bartender looks at you like you have leprosy.
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@_SingleBabyMama: As an adult very few things are less humiliating than being caught in public trying to be cute for a selfie.
@WheelTod: At a concert if the band asks "How's everyone feeling tonight" I'm like maybe we shouldn't have built our country on an Indian burial ground
@fro_vo: Interviewer: congrats you got the security guard job Me: *already asleep on a folding chair* Interviewer: hang on u don’t start til monday
@donni: COP: Anything you say can and will be used against you-- ME: Handcuff keys COP (to his partner): Damn, this guy's good