If you go into a bar by yourself and ask for a water the bartender looks at you like you have leprosy.
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Girls get so turned on when you take charge. Grab her hair and tell her she needs a shampoo with no harsh sulfates and a new lip stain.
Rather than vote, let’s all fill out the 29 dimensions of what we want in a president and let eHarmony decide.
[calendar naming committee]
BOSS: how should we spell the second month
GUY WHO SPELLED WEDNESDAY: i have an idea
*tosses incriminating letter into the fireplace*
ME: will someone please light a fire in this fireplace
I just want to bring your heart to it’s knees.
… And while you’re down there…
The worst place to be quote tweeted…Divorce Papers
I just swallowed a Norton Anti-virus CD. I’m good now.
“What’s taking the pharmacist so long? It’s just one prescription”
*behind the counter the pharmacist is sinking in quicksand and screaming*
I showed my kids how to use encyclopedias. I stacked four of them to reach something on the top shelf.
STOP FLIRTING WITH YOUR UNCLE AT YOUR WEDDING WITH YOUR COUSIN #HouseOfTheDragon
My wife and I tried for a long time to have kids. Nearly 12 minutes one night.
[party city]
employee: you don’t work here—why are you taking an inventory of these cardboard cutouts of sherlock?
me: I’ve got stock holmes syndrome
interviewer: what are your strengths?
me: I know where you live
How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Two – one to screw it most of the way and the other to give it a surprise twist at the end.
[funeral]
ok I need everyone over 70 to gather for the bouquet toss
Body language tells us a lot about people. For example, my neighbor really doesn’t like to be held underwater for more than 2 minutes.
Gonna pull a Timon & Pumba and start singing a song about not giving a shit at peoples funerals
Whoever said “Just showing up is half the battle” (a) didn’t understand battles and (b) probably died quickly after showing up.
Whenever I read that a suspect is cooperating with investigators I picture them being helpful in the interrogation room. Tidying up. Providing light conversation.
is it earth
Person with an intense headache: migraines are terrible
Unsuccessful wheat farmer: mine too
Going to a baby shower and I’m real nervous, do they just kind of pour down on you? If you catch one do you have to keep it?
It’s weird how horses can run so fast but still suck at every other sport.
friend: what day is it today
me: it’s mar 10
friend: like mario!
me: itsa mar 10
Her: “Wanna get some coffee?”
Me: “I actually don’t like coffee”
Her: *Gasp*
The whole town: *Gasp*
All of New York: *Gasp*
The media: “This just in *Gasp*”
The world: *Gasp*
Aliens: *Fleeb* (Gasp)
[first day as a microbiologist]
me: my god… i’ve never seen a strain like this
boss: [through toilet stall] GET OUT
PITCHER: *throws a ball*
UMPIRE: Ball four. Walk!
AUDIENCE (who are dogs): *goes apeshit*
Shamrocks are the most dishonest of all the rocks.
Inside of you are 2 wolves.
One eats a grammy and the other gets domesticated.
I suffer from premature procrastination. It’s when you procrastinate before even receiving a task…