@shanethevein: If you go into a bar by yourself and ask for a water the bartender looks at you like you have leprosy.
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@LurkAtHomeMom: [Bucket Lists] 2003: 1. Visit Rome 2. Go skydiving 3. Run marathon 2017: 1. Eat sitting down 2. Wake up naturally 3. Finish painting foyer
@petemandik: In the future I will replace my feet with chainsaws after accidentally cutting them off with my chainsaw hands.
@suzieQ0007: Co-worker: What's the difference between astronomy & astrology? Me: Approximately 50-60 IQ points.
@JennyJohnsonHi5: I used to give my co-workers nicknames based on their most dominant features, like 'Loves Abortions Brenda' or 'Eats Her Feelings Julie'.