@shanethevein: If you go into a bar by yourself and ask for a water the bartender looks at you like you have leprosy.
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@daemonic3: [traffic court] Your honor, I'm here to dispute 4 of my 5 tickets JUDGE: Repeat infractions? Ok, I'm here to dispute ⁴/₅ of my tickets
@junejuly12: *receives invitation to dry wedding* *becomes wine smuggler and most popular wedding guest ever*
@astutenewf: 12: Dad, if Mary gave birth to Jesus and Jesus is the lamb of god, didn't Mary have a little lamb? Me: And you came with a no return policy
@CornOnTheGoblin: [at my funeral] ventriloquist: please don't judge me, he paid me a lot of money to do this me: hi everybody!