If you go into a bar by yourself and ask for a water the bartender looks at you like you have leprosy.
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Everything at the mini mart is normal-sized and I feel so betrayed.
i’m torn between getting my own personal jesus or getting a large jesus to share with the whole table
God..how many exercise videos do you have to buy before you get some results
It would have been cool to see the discovery of salt. “This food tastes bland. Let’s see if I can improve it by adding some rocks.”
I don’t go camping. I can’t sleep at night knowing I locked my front door with a zipper.
Every morning I have to check my shoes for scorpions. We don’t have scorpions in Illinois people just hate me.
I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?
Humans are pretty civilized until a t-shirt is being thrown into a crowd.
[hijacking a hot-air balloon] i have scissors
In High School I was pretty popular with all the boys.
I was known as “Hey, will you ask your friend if she likes me?”
Me (age 26): *parties like a rock star*
Me (age 46): *plots against the raccoon that keeps getting into my bird feeder*
but your honor, i said “lol” afterwards
I did NOT need to see this today!!!!
ants can carry up to 5000 times their body weight?? pfft. watch this- *goes to stomp an ant but it grabs me & slams me thru a picnic table*
Someone said I was racist because I misspelled pico de gallo. It’s like they don’t even know I misspell English words also…
My husband got barbecue sauce on my mom’s favorite white tablecloth. For five whole minutes I wasn’t the biggest disappointment in her life.
Facebook: You have more friends on Facebook than you think. Me: You have higher expectations than you think.
Don’t want to get political on here but there’s no such thing as “endless shrimp.” Heads? Tails? Those are two VISIBLE ends THAT WE KNOW OF.
before camouflage clothing was invented, people would just stand still and make tree noises.
Them: you smell so good what is that?
Me: bleach
I have eaten all the Halloween candy, so this year trick or treaters are getting Taco Bell’s hot sauce packets
when the waiter comes by to see how the food tastes and I’m not ready
My dog plays tug of war in a ‘keep it, you want it more than me’ fashion.
Drunk me tried to tear up all your photos and sober me had to buy a new phone screen.
Boss: Why is there an olive in your water?
Me: What water? Oh yeah this, this is definitely water.
Audi is coming out with a bigger SUV that seats twenty.
It’s the new Audi Torium.
HE DRINKS A WHISKEY DRINK
HE DRINKS A VODKA DRINK
HE DRINKS A LAGER DRINK
HE DRINKS A CIDER DRINK
HE SINGS THE SONGS THAT REMIND HIM OF THE GOOD TIMES
HE TELLS HIS DOCTOR THAT HE ONLY DRINKS LIKE MAYBE ONCE OR TWICE A WEEK HONESTLY ITS JUST KIND OF A SOCIAL THING
OHHHHHHHH
When I’m bored nobody texts me but as soon as I get busy as hell… BAM… still nobody texts me.
For 10 years I believed my best friend was a mute, but it turns out that someone has just drawn a boy in the corner of my glasses.