@BuckyIsotope: If you go to an animal shelter and ask for a cat, they get really upset if you play them like a guitar and scream ROCK YOU LIKE A FURRICANE.
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@NikatNiteNite: Just once I'd like someone to call me "ma'am" without having to add "you need to calm down or we're going to have to ask you to leave"
@MartaEffing: Me: They were gone. All of them. Just gone. I've never felt so alone. Therapist: So, after the donuts were gone, then what did you do?
@thatUPSdude: Turns out if your grandmother dies more than 6 times in a year, HR will start to question your request for time off.
@weinerdog4life: If you beat a man with a mustache in a fist fight, you get to keep his mustache.