If you go to an animal shelter and ask for a cat, they get really upset if you play them like a guitar and scream ROCK YOU LIKE A FURRICANE.
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Seriously contemplating remarrying my ex wife, but I’m pretty sure she’ll figure out that I’m just after my money.
*Baby presses ‘snooze’ to stay in womb extra 10 minutes*
Me: do you love me?
Siri: I’m only your assistance.
Me: if you don’t, I will jump off a bridge.
Siri:there are two bridges near you.
Running down the street dragging an entire bank behind me because I stole one of those pens attached to the little silver chain
If Seal was my friend, I would never miss an opportunity to ask him, “Wanna go clubbing?”
when there was one set of footprints in the sand, that was when I tripped and fell but Jesus didn’t see and he kept walking for a little bit
Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you do criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes. End of tweet
Someone saw me today. It was exciting and very scary. I am a bear.
Watching a special
about climate change. Oh, wait.
This is a window.
a ladybug has entered the household. and i. am on my way to introduce myself
@brookeG105 @SwedishCanary @funTweeters @Mad_Humor
Me: I’m gonna get you dressed.
3yo: cool I’m gonna make it as hard as possible for you to do so.
Me: cool.
3yo: cool.
judge: “you have chosen to defend yourself, is that correct?”
me: [muffled from inside full suit of armour] “that’s correct”
Psychologist: [holds up inkblot] and this one?
Me: a black swirling pit of despair
Psychologist: nope, it’s a duck wearing a funny hat
[first day as astronaut]
*vomits
Me: That’s normal, right?
Instructor: Not during a written exam, no
It’s not illegal to get in a taxi and scream until you’ve reached your destination.
I used to be a big proponent of super-descriptions of characters in stories–down to the last ribbon of their costume. Nowadays, I think vague details work well for a lot of reasons, such as not having to go back and remember how you described them when you’re writing a new book.
wordle is optional. y’all complain so much, just wanted to remind you
Me: Would you consider going out with a guy a little older than yourself?
Her: Well of course I would. Why, do you have a son?
DATE: {seductively} What’s your type?
ME: {seductively} One sec.
[2 minutes later]
ME: Ok yeah, love you, no I’m on a date, mom she’s the one trust me, thanks again, ok bye. {turns to date} She said B positive.
A lemonade stand is a good way to teach your kids the value of someone giving you money because they feel sorry for you.
I’ve been making my own bread every single day for two weeks now and I finally understand why people always look so miserable in historic photos.
ME: i want the ad to say “for sale: baby shoes, never worn”
AD GUY: oh wow that’s so sad
ME: totally. they’re so cute but my feet were just too big
My wife always tells me not to take things personally, so I hired a guy to do it for me. He already stole a bike.
People say eye contact is important when flirting, but when I put my finger in someone’s eye they never seem to like it.
Here’s the complete list of must have items for a middle aged woman when travelling away from home:
– Tweezers
Even Forrest Gump got laid.
This is bullshit.
I just broke two of my dad’s old Queen Records. Now I want to break three.
[2 detectives are at a murder scene]
“my god Wilkins. Are you thinking what im thinking?”
…
“a lasagne driving a car?”
“Exactly”