If you go to an animal shelter and ask for a cat, they get really upset if you play them like a guitar and scream ROCK YOU LIKE A FURRICANE.
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When it comes to Pope vs. Trump, do you take the side of the guy who wears that ridiculous thing on his head or the Pope?
Saw a homeless guy this mornin’ he said, “Any change?” Me, “Nope, you’re still cold and homeless.” We laughed & laughed & he stabbed me.
My daughter has decided instead of drying off with bath towels, she prefers sheets, and I love her and promised to never stamp out her individuality, but no.
“Why don’t we have sexy time anymore?”
“Because you call it sexy time.”
Our dog snores so loud we had to rename him Grandpa
I was mowing the lawn, hit a small rock and it went flying and hit something to the side of me, I looked over and the neighbor’s car had a small dent, I was going to go tell him but then I thought no I better not, he may think I did it.
20’s: I am invincible!
40’s: I am very vincible
[reads chocoholic on tinder bio] Mmm I love chocolate, too
[reads workaholic] I work a lot as well
[reads catholic] I also am a cat addict
I dropped a whole bowl of Munchie Mix on the floor in case you’re wondering where the dogs got their newfound appreciation for my athletic prowess.
VAMPIRE HUNTER: It’s so strange…why is this one coffin turned over on its side?
ME, from inside: I don’t like sleeping on my back.
THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS TO ALL THE BROS ON INSTAGRAM WHO CAN’T AFFORD SHIRTS
2 years later
Matt Goss
cop: sir it looks as if you were the victim of organ theft
me (in an icy bath): oh no…she took my yamaha?
cop:
Making toast in the bathtub just hits differently
“You’re a nice guy”
One time I took a bite of my friends corn dog during lunch in elementary school and blamed it on someone else. So, I beg to differ
three suited men in my coffeeshop. one of them just said, “my personal idea of progress is moving things forward,” which is actually just the definition. everyone’s nodding. guys like this are in charge of every industry and it’s clearly why trains explode
my mom: curfew’s 9:00
me: please mom i’m in a gang now
my mom:
me: how about 9:15
Marriage: When dating goes too far.
Friend: I don’t have sex until the third date
Me: ok brag that you get to the third date
My husband and 4yo are playing with the doctor kit and toy dinosaurs. My husband named the dino doctor The Dinocologist.
We were definitely meant for each other.
My kids: Papa, we’re pretending we are hurricanes!
Me: What do you mean by pretending?
I’m not antisocial. I’m anti-idiot.
this guy on tiktok rated emergency alarm sounds from different countries and there’s no reason it should be this funny 💀
Can scientists please stop calculating pi to a million decimal places and instead get working on an instant hangover cure.
Sorry, but that was only my favorite food in the world BEFORE you bought 5 cases of it at Costco.
-Kids
Music – rock band
Jehovah’s Witness – knock band
Boats – dock band
Lip synched – mock band
Athletes – jock band
Safe cracker – lock band
Puppet – sock band
Clock maker – tock band
Chicken – b’gok band
Rooster – cock band
Catching up on last night’s crime shows, don’t spoil it….. does someone die? No, don’t tell me.
I asked this homeless lady if I could take her home. She said yes, so I walked off with her cardboard box.
Can someone please explain to me how we got to this point in Indian dramas?