If you go to jail for tax evasion, you are living off taxes for not paying taxes.
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ME: Heyy baby, tonight I wanna take you to Clown Town.
HER: Don’t you mean Pound Town?
ME: *seductively puts on a rainbow wig and nods “no”*
My favorite thing about living in New York is that when you see somebody with a baby carrier strapped to their chest, 9 times out of 10, it’s a poodle
watching Despicable Me with the kids, but pausing it for a quick PowerPoint about how stealing the moon would kill everyone on earth
[traffic stop]
COP: where ya headed?
ME: on my way home
COP: *shining flashlight in my backseat*
ME: look at me when I’m speaking to you
That escalated quickly
– Me to 4 unamused strangers on the Mall escalator.
What’s a good wedding gift that says “Congratulations!” but also subtly says “I really liked your first wife better”?
Angel: What up?
God: Creating 3 y/o’s
Angel: Is it broken?It keeps repeating itself & has no volume control
God: ya it’s gunna be hilarious
This pumpkin spice toilet paper seems unnecessary, but I’ll taste it nonetheless.
INCORRECT PUNCTUATION STARTS FIGHTS:
Happy April Fools!!!
VS.
Happy April, Fools!!!
Nothing like a nice refreshing shower to make you sweat relentlessly for at least an hour
a 9-5 is two hours of work and 6 hours of anxiously trying to justify my existence to my employer
What I really need to know is what exactly is a marie kondo, and can I eat one?
Are you there God? It’s me, Margaret.
YES MY CHILD
Great! Amway is the largest multi-level marketing company worldwide. Our products range
Aliens only abduct the people that are already nuts so no one will believe them when they try and tell everyone
There are no atheists in parking lots where you’ve dropped your phone face down on the asphalt.
I am so tired of living like it’s the 1600s. Can I afford eggs at the market? Are my friends gonna die in the plague? Puritans coming for my sinful lifestyle. I want some modern problems. Modern Problems
Adele is an amazing singer. The problem is, when one of her songs comes on, everyone else thinks they are, too
*puts wine in cart*
*crosses “wine” off the list my wife gave me*
*puts more wine in cart*
*crosses “more wine” off the list my wife gave me*
[hospital]
“I’m afraid it’s bad news. Your husband will never walk again”
“Oh God, he’s paralysed?”
“No, someone’s bought him rollerblades”
I’m like Pooh bear. I just want to eat, hang with my homies, and go around pantsless
Ladies, how often do you exfoliate? I do weekly then a soothing serum and now that the boys aren’t reading anymore, are we still doing that thing where we say no holiday gifts, then act disappointed. lol I can’t stop laughing ok be cool be cool. And finish up with a night cream
my wife saw onlyfans on our credit card statement so now I have to get her a ceiling fan for christmas
Me: If it waddles like a duck and quacks like a duck, it’s probably a duck.
Daughter: Didn’t you waddle when you were pregnant with my sister?
Me: *stops the car* get out!
me: your honor, the defense rests.
judge: well they picked a pretty stupid time to take a nap i mean they’re on trial for murder.
[day 3: stuck in elevator]
girl: if we don’t eat we’ll die soon
me: *waiting for her to die so I don’t have to share the meatballs in my pocket* how soon?
My superpower is convincing my family I spent all day cleaning by lighting a few candles
I like you, but I don’t “give you a roll of my toilet paper” like you…
How to get a guys attention:
1. Take off your shirt
2. Be a TV
Every time this gets RTed a member of Congress gets kicked in the groin.
It’s adorable how I write “beer” on my shopping list like I’d somehow forget.