If you go to the zoo & slap your chest at the gorilla, he sees it as aggressive behavior and WILL challenge you to a Mario Kart race.
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Watch ‘Titanic’ backwards and it’s the feel-good story of a ship that rescues a bunch of drowning swimmers and takes them on a dream cruise.
*getting eyelashes done* just glue them shut I’ve seen enough
“Hey, watch your mouth!” I yell at the woman in this park that’s just letting her pet mouth run around all willy nilly.
my favorite game is called “Secret Family.” I go to the movies & sit near a group of strangers & pretend they love me
Flying Monkey: Notice she only calls us “pretties” when she wants something.
Me: what number do you call if there’s an emergency?
3yo: 21 21
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERS
Me: you call 9 1 1
3yo: 21 21
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERS
Me: 9 1 1!
3yo: who you gonna call?
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERSEmergency training complete
I asked my daughter to make me a Pinterest board of what she’d like to redecorate her room and I just opened it up to see nothing but a bunch of pictures of people holding fistfuls of cash
do not take my piercings out for my funeral or i WILL be back
My dog after a walk in the woods.
A Christmas Carol is the heartwarming tale of how rich people must be supernaturally terrorized into sharing.
listerine whitening mouthwash is just purple shampoo for teeth
ME: Ok, I’m sorry I played my banjo during the wedding ceremony.
WIFE: It was OUR wedding ceremony.
[grabs mic during TED Talk] They’re towing a BMW in the parking lot
*crowd goes apeshit*
A missing 3YO was found inside a bowling alley claw game. After many failed attempts to get him out, police just settled on the turtle doll.
ohh u don’t think my farm is real cuz the only crop i’m growing is burritos well pls excuse me while i cry into this fresh hot tortilla
I need to update my racial profile.
*First Date*
Me: I really like what you tried to do with what’s left of your hair.
I just accidentally read “Federal” as “Feral” and it made zero difference to the article.
What if the Daleks start eating an apple a day
me, to my kid: you have a job- you eat breakfast, you get dressed, brush your hair and teeth and put on shoes
my kid: I hate my job. I wanna quit.
I have learned to sneak up on my work colleagues and sit down without them noticing, just to have them turn around see them nearly shit themselves.
if ur dad didn’t want to be more than friends then why did he get me that delicious glass of water
I always say “I was wondering when you’d find me” when I get in my car. That way if someone’s ever in the backseat I’ll look cool as shit.
Doctor: how do you stay active?
Me: I just jiggle the mouse every 5min
It’s not a family vacation until someone threatens to throw a prized possession from a moving vehicle.
During sex
Me: Go deeper
Him: *Stares in the horizon* Imagine living in a world without wars
Drier than a bar of soap after a 7yo has “washed his hands.”
When life gives you lemons. Squeeze them in people’s eyes.
Been getting better gas mileage since I decided to turn off my car when I’m crying alone in parking lots.
Getting pretty tired of Vin Diesel hopping into the passenger seat yelling “PUNCH IT” when I am just trying to eat my lunch alone in my car