If you guys don’t do my “Funeral Ideas” Pinterest board justice at my funeral, I will haunt you so hard
*pinning ideas to “Haunting” board*
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[restaurant]
WAITER: And to drink?
ME: I’ll have a coke and a pepsi.
WAITER: Is pep…um…Is cok…ok…Is…I…what..
*waiter spontaneously combusts*
ME: I could use an espresso to sober up a bit, do you want anything from this Starbucks?
DRIVING TEST INSTRUCTOR: no
WHAT DO WE WANT?
RACE CAR NOISES!!!
WHEN DO WE WANT THEM??
NEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW
I called a driver in the school drop off line a moron and 7 very solemnly said… Santa heard that.
I have so many chores that I need to do, what Netflix show should I binge watch?
Them: if you could be any animal wha-
Me: rotisserie chicken
Scientist: we’re approaching a critical mass
Assistant: should we be wearing protection from the blast?
Mass: you look fat in that lab coat and no one likes you
Scientist: too late
What a heatwave. I just fried an egg on the top of my car! I needed help to get the cooker up there, but it was worth it.
Pretty sure my cold is trying to seduce me. I sneezed and my bra unsnapped.
[driving]
ME: Can I have some of your fries?
SON: No.
ME: *hits brakes*
[fries go flying]
ME: Now nobody has fries.
My 6-year-old: What’s the difference between a barracuda & a shark?
Me: When a barracuda is near, you’ll hear a guitar riff. When it’s a shark, you’ll hear a tuba.
[ first day as surgeon ]
me: and now we let the anesthesia set in
patient: do i get some too
I used to think Pet Insurance was a waste of money but my cat is at the vets & they’ve sent us a really lovely little courtesy cat.
want to make it creepy? just add in my pants to whatever
Merry Christmas…in my pants
Happy New Year…in my pants
Give a man a fish and he’ll see if there are microwave instructions on the side.
Always remember –
If you’re having a conversation with somebody that doesn’t speak English, just talk louder.
I disagree with liquor store hours. It’s 8am..let me in.
I have patio furniture in the friend zone.
Festive toon…
My Nephew called me ‘lazy’ when I took him shopping in Morrisons today.
I was so shocked I nearly fell out the trolley.
“Your honor, my client is absolutely not a flight risk.”
“What makes you so sure?”
“He is a penguin.”
if I eat the entire box of girl scout cookies at once then I’ll only hate myself one time instead of each time I eat them do the math sweetie
After ten true crime podcasts you start to think you could probably solve a murder. After a hundred you start to think you could probably get away with one.
Cute skinny girls wearing weird mismatched clothes: hot quirky hipsters
Me wearing weird mismatched clothes: homeless lady from the 80s
the average goat is 9 carrots tall if you measure goats in carrots
Death be not proud. Death not so great with words, but happy to go out with any girl you want fix Death up with.
Dear guy that just shoplifted a brick from the supply centre, how close are you to finishing the construction of your dream home?
Assert dominance at IKEA by walking around wearing a tool belt with every size Allen wrench hanging from it and telling everyone you see to stand back
The dog ate my unified theory of the universe.
Teens be like, “I wanted to do that until you asked me to”.