If you guys don’t do my “Funeral Ideas” Pinterest board justice at my funeral, I will haunt you so hard
*pinning ideas to “Haunting” board*
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“Open Mike Night” sounded like a lot of fun until I realised I’d been invited to an autopsy.
BOSS: I’m sorry I just don’t trust your judgment.
ME: [trying to pick up glass of water with both fists wedged in Pringles tubes] explain..
[breakfast table]
Me: Who killed the entire box of Lucky Charms?
8: Not me
9: Not me
CEREAL KILLER: Not me either
The note on this boxed wine says ‘Fresh up to 6 weeks after opening’
6 weeks. lol.
wife:Gotta go. You guys gonna be ok?
me [making my Pop-Tart pop out of the toaster and trying to catch it] Come on!
wife:9, you’re in charge
You overpack for vacation and most of the stuff you don’t even wear, but your clothes need a vacation too. They seem to enjoy it.
I bought a new cat tree for my cats and they are just having the best time playing in the box it came in.
[murder scene]
MORGAN FREEMAN: there are 7 deadly sins: Pride, greed, envy, lust, wrath and gl– [sees victim wearing crocs] There are 8 dea
yoooo let ur cat know i said pspspsps
Midnight snack: battle between how much you crave food versus how much you don’t want to brush your teeth again
“ur password is weak” well so is my memory so please let me keep it
I was getting out of my car, twisted weird, lost my balance, bounced off the car next to me and then back to my car. I hope everyone in the parking lot was taking detailed notes on how to exit your car like a Weeble Wobble.
Me: please, I’ve tried everything
Dry cleaner: we don’t do Tupperware
Couldn’t look worse today.
Time to run into an ex…
Guys, I need help with a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.
Turns out my toddler’s only ingredient for Banana Stew is bananas, and now I understand why she rolled her eyes when I asked for the recipe
(Jupiter –
My Doberman sits on other dogs to assert dominance. I’m going to try this with my co-workers.
Kylo Ren used to complain his parents were passive aggressive.
Well, boo hoo.
My dad was actively aggressive.
Just ask my hand.
A fight or flight situation.
Like when you go to pick up your kid and the teacher’s walking towards you with “the look” on her face.
whoa, you should really talk to someone about that!
— me, first day as a therapist
Police Officer: ”Have you been drinking?”
Me: ”Yes!”
Police Officer: ”Step out of the car!”
Me: ”Why? You don’t believe me?”
need to find a better way to trick my dog into taking his medication bc the last 2 times he tricked me into taking it
People who make grand sweeping generalizations are all idiots
Sign of the day..
Being paranoid about your govt’s paranoia is a good sign.
the small child points to my head and chants, i want a balloon, i want a balloon, but changes her tune when i let my head float free
Why does Minnie Mouse wear heels? She is the only female mouse Mickey knows. Pressure’s off, girl. Your boyfriend doesn’t even have a shirt.
boss: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
me: HAHAHA[later]
cw: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
me: literally never talk to me gary
If life gives you lemons, remember that they are the result of humans crossbreeding bitter oranges with citrons and do not occur naturally. Therefore life never gave you any lemons to begin with; we made them up.