*checks watch*
*gets up off toilet*
I don’t have time for this shit
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Saying please to a toddler is like being polite to a tornado.
Me: *on phone booking place on commercial space flight* “Yeah just a one-way ticket, please… You don’t? Uhhh so okay make it a return but can you drop me off on the moon or something? … Hello? Hello-o???”
Son, your mother and I looked at your browser history. Frankly, it’s not pretty. Do you for real need a walkthrough for Call Of Duty
That awkward moment you have long eye contact with someone who’s really attractive, only cause it’s too hard to walk away from the mirror.
With this onion ring, I thee fed
I may be short but I sure as heck can dunk. Donut coffee dunks are my speciality.
*conducting job interview* And what would you say your biggest weakness is? Other than that haircut.
As a kid Popeye was my hero. I’d stare at canned spinach and longed to eat it so I could be as strong as him. One day I stole a can from my grandma and with sweet anticipation took my first bite ever only to find out it tasted like… well canned spinach. Crime doesn’t pay kids.
*air horn sound*
*second air horn sound*
Me: “This isn’t deodorant.”
Huge, if true.
Her: Wanna “lex” tonight?
Him: What’s that?
Her: Lazy sex.
Him: What do we do?
Her: Lay in bed and send each other Huffington Post articles.
When my 2 cats enter the living room at the same time I assume they’re about to tell us they’re getting divorced
If I could travel back in time to change anything I would go back 15 minutes and stop myself from agreeing to play with my toddler.
If you date someone working for the federal government and then break up, does he become FedEx? #oksorry
trying a new Pudding recipe:
– Milk
– Eggs
– Proof
– Butter
I’m putting salt in this mustard and I’m calling it Saline Dijon and you can’t stop me
Coworker left himself signed in to LinkedIn and now his skills include “mouth breathing”.
Saw a friend really drunk last night so I took his car keys from him. Felt good, he was so drunk I doubt he remembers who stole his car
As I walked through the valley of the shadow of death, I pooped my pants a little bit. Not gonna lie.
app: do u want me to notify u
me: of what
app: of me
me: i know about u
app: this is to remind u
me: don’t need that
app: ok let’s discuss again later
If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you you may be in love with a boomerang.
My 1yo has been crawling around with a croissant in her hand all morning. Not eating it, just clutching it. I think it’s her Emotional Support Croissant.
*goes to bathroom
*takes out phone
*opens Twitter
*finishes
*pulls pants up
*flushes
*forgets to poop
I remember a story about a girl with a broken leg, and a boy who told her not to fight the pain but instead to gently ride its waves until she could actually see the pain far away beneath her, so she hit him with a rock.
GRADUATION TIP: Don’t graduate! The real world is terrifying. Hide out in the library. They can’t make you leave if they can’t find you!
$175 an hour, $175 an hour…
– my therapist’s notes
February 27th, 2020.
I’m 44 years old, standing on the roof, in 40mph winds, of the largest supplier of calamari in the United States…fighting off psychotic seagulls with a broom.
Never give up on your dreams, kids.
If your idea of an “Epic” deal is $5 off then we may have different interpretations of that word, Pottery Barn.
It’s like the world is being written by a third grader now.
“Then the virus came, and then there was no toilet paper, and then schools closed, and then there was a tsunami!!!”
TSA agent: Ma’am you’re alarming in your abdomen.
Me, starving: You can hear that?!?
Them: …
Me: …
Them: It’s the drawstrings on your pants.
Me: They’re hungry too?!?