stop calling sandwiches sammies you weirdos
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I don’t want to pull focus from the Oprah interview but I am currently in a hot air balloon 30 miles off the coast of California and I have no idea how I’m going to get down safely
[planning a heist]
Robber 1: this will be the biggest hoist of all time
Robber 2: wait are you saying hoist or heist?
Robber 1: hoist
Robber 2: …
Robber 1: it’s just how I pronounce it
Robber 2: so you know this is a heist
Robber 1: DUDE MY NAME IS ROBBER 1 I KNOW WHAT WE DO
Jokes on you hot chick at the bar who gave me a radio station’s phone number I just won Harlem Globetrotter tickets and a Bud Light poncho.
In today’s installment of “getting absolutely wrecked by my child” I present her commentary on dinner:
“You did the best you could.”
Son: “Mom, Dad we need to talk…. I’m a vegan”
**Mom cries running out the room
Dad: Why can’t you just have a normal eating disorder?
Me: Got any 7s?
Wife: Go fish
Me: *returns from Bering Strait a changed man* I watched the sea take my best friend to his grave. Got any 3s?
Me: My bed is so warm and cosy. I never want to leave.
Bladder: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Stop filtering your teeth on your selfies goddammit they can be seen from space
Him: So what do you do?
Me (hoping to save up for some bushes at the edge of my property): I run a hedge fund.
Okay, I’ll bite, what is “the Beatles”
A spooky dog skeleton would be so confused. He’d be like should I haunt people or should I gnaw on my enticingly exposed bones
Calm down check engine light, if I can run on broken parts, so can you
My father one time told me to go apologize to the neighbor for being mouthy so I went and told her my father says he’s sorry.
What idiot called them “Female condoms” and not Estrojans?
I don’t want to marry Bill Gates because he’s rich.
I want to marry Bill Gates so I never have to fix my own computer.
A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.
181.
I have two selves:
One wants to be skinny and my jeans to fit. The other is a fat, hungry monster who would murder her own grandmother for a butterfinger.
me: *just doesnt know when to quit* see you tomorrow
boss: *just doesnt know when to fire me* yep
Youth Pastor: do you know who also crashed a market?
zoologist 1: whale
zoologist 2: we used that name already
zoologist 1: shark
zoologist 2: we used that name too
zoologist 1: whale-shark
zoologist 2: hot dog you’ve done it again sir
I just realized my slack status for the last hour has said “hot dog” because I was searching for the hot dog emoji so I could note that I was at lunch but I just typed “hot dog” as my status and then it just gave me that lil 💬 guy as the emoji. Everyone’s slackin me “hot dog”
My wife asked me to name off all my sexual partners in order.
I should probably have stopped when I got to her name
Searching for stuff on the internet when you’re drunk is called Beer Googles.
[watching kids make snowman]
Me: Hey honey, do you still keep that thing hidden in your dresser?
Wife: Yes…why?
Me (pointing): I don’t think that’s a carrot they used for his nose…
This was the best day of my life
At the beginning of a long plane ride, I like to ask my husband why he loves me. His frantic look for an escape hatch entertains me.
Me: “I keep looking for love in all the wrong places.”
*later at the abandoned mine*
Me: “Hello?! Would anybody like a date?!”
Me: My doctor says I need urgent surgery.
Friend: Oh my god! I’m so sorry. What kind?
Me: Cosmetic.
I’ll never understand why my children think pooping is a social activity.