@DaddyJew: If you had a choice between owning a dragon or world peace, what would you name your dragon?
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@Breadery: My daughter: Do you want a kiss daddy? Me: Of course. My daughter: Does it make you sad that no other girls want to kiss you? Me: Thanks.
@PhuckinCody: [walks into interview wearing light up Sketchers] WALMART INTERVIEWER: whoa I didn't know corporate was coming
@KalvinMacleod: I bet the only thing more stressful than defusing a bomb is letting your husband pack for a big trip.