If you had a choice between owning a dragon or world peace, what would you name your dragon?
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Romantic cop: Here, I brought you a flower.
Competitive about everything cop: Big deal. I brought you a flowest.
Couldn’t afford a large screen tv this Christmas so I kept my current one but moved the couch 4 foot closer
Who called it your foot falling asleep and not coma toes?
I’m sure a spider is never scrutinized for spending too much time on the web.
I like to write all my death threat letters in Comic Sans.
I find it lightens the mood.
A 22 year old girl said to me “there’s NO WAY you are 41”
I put her in my pocket and took her home.
She’s mine now.
welcome to my podcast What Are Birds Thinking About where we speculate wildly about what birds might be thinking about today’s guest is once again not a bird
Every Coronavirus post on Facebook should just start with, “First off, I have no idea what i’m talking about.”
WIFE: *all sexy* You know, instead of going to the gym, we could…work out…in the bedroom
[Upstairs Later]
ME: *doing bicep curls with a weighted blanket* You were so right, babe.
[family game night]
Me: do u understand now, grandma? U understand the rules now?
Mum [tappin my shoulder]: she gets it. Loosen the headlock
Shoe Salesman: (taking measurements) looks like a size 10 would be a perfect fit
Ronald McDonald: I said (clenching teeth) bring me a size 44
Judge: Your charge is burning down your neighbors house
Me: Your Honor they hung baskets of plastic flowers on their porch!
J: Not Guilty!
Wanna be like jesus, walk on a cucumber, its 98% water, so you’re 98% jesus
There’s a knock at the door. I open it, but there’s no one there. Unsettled, I slow down a little and pull into the middle lane.
hot instagram model girl: before each workout i always drink this
me: [laying in bed covered in crumbs] im gonna buy that
I will take your secret to the grave. Unless I’m drunk and revealing it will make me popular.
Def Leppard: “Pour some sugar on me. Ooh, in the name of love”
Def Leppard’s Mom: “Just great! Now we’re going to have ants!”
‘Twas the day before Lent, and when it was done, not a creature was sober, not even a nun.
Suck it losers, I just bought an autographed picture of Jesus for two grand.
Time traveling but it’s just me aging 5 years per every month of my kids life.
Ironically when you cut your own hair the bar for success is not looking like you cut your own hair.
Never make an enemy out of someone who loves camping, they’ve trained to hit rock bottom and they like it.
*hands cashier chihuahua*
“One waffle cone, please.”
How to get a guys attention:
1. Take off your shirt
2. Be a TV
WIFE: Do you think men and women are just hardwired differently?
ME [drinking a bottle of shampoo]: *bubble noises*
Friend: Those are really big sprinkles on your cupcake.
Me: They’re ibuprofen.
Heads up! The washing machine doesn’t clean your clothes if you don’t push the start button.
the fire alarm is to warn the fire that the fire department is coming
My favorite outdoor activity is looking for shade.
Listen, you should really give your mother a call. She’s concerned that “the haters” in her Zumba class are organizing and gaining power.