If you had a terrible childhood, you’ll be super-bummed out by Bank of America’s options for security questions.
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Monday: forearms
Wednesday: forearms
Friday: forearms
Sunday: forearms
–Popeye’s gym schedule
Me: now kiddo, what do we say when we accidentally knock someone’s drink over?
5y/o: (eyes downcast) “goddamnit”
and on the 6th day god created coffee so thee would not commit murder or some shit like that. amen.
Shout out to all the animals that help Disney princesses get shit done.
How many apples a day does it take to keep everybody else away
Bitcoin. Toothurt.
Since mask-wearing began, many of us have developed the ability to say “thank you” using only our eyes, as well as a few other phrases that end in “you”
If your kids aren’t drinking enough water, tell them it’s bedtime.
INTERVIEWER: Do you have any hidden talents?
ME: I taught myself how to play piano
INTERVIEWER: By ear?
ME: No, just with my hands
Million dollar idea: let’s start a Twitter swear jar
I know dropping your phone/keys in a public toilet is bad but have you ever lost a shoe trying to kick the flusher
When you’re Kinky but poor
[ autumn, 1579 ]
pumpkin farmer: i say, you’ve spilled your spice on my pumpkins!
spice merchant: poppycock! for YOU have gotten your pumpkin in MY spice!
susan: *rising up out of a barrel* omg this is sooo good I want like 12 ventis all in my mouth
40ish year old me thinks 18ish year old me should’ve planned something better with her life.
[showing date a picture] that’s me and my brother at summer camp [showing a pic of me holding a big fish] and that’s us after his accident
I really don’t get Astrology but I just hope my daughter stays a Virgo until she’s at least 18.
*driving past a house already decorated for Halloween*
6, muttering to himself: why do they have a scarecrow? They don’t even have any crops
Lassie, get help!
A Brit watching their house fall off a cliff:
“That’s a bit of a blow”
CHILD: I thought you liked Froot Loops.
TOUCAN SAM: *eating an egg salad sandwich he brought from home* Look, kid, it’s just a job.
my parents often told me I would lose my own head if it wasn’t screwed on and now that I’m an adult I want to know what tools I need to have it screwed off
*dies*
*gets to heaven*
*sees furries everywhere*
Me: What the…
Jeebus: Hell hath no furry, man
*laughs, puts on giraffe costume*
I once tried to the Dirty Dancing lift with my cat but it turns out Mr. Mittens isn’t very strong.
*on my deathbed*
*groggy, dazed, & delirious*
Me: I wonder if my TC ever really loved me?
Wife: Honey, what’s a TC?
Me: *pulls plug*
Apparently my neighbors are having a slamming the door every 5 minutes party
Dating app: If you were a bird, what kind of bird would you be?
Me: I’d be a subway pigeon or one of those crows that eats mostly garbage
WAITERS: alright, what are we thinking for starters?
ME: well, charmander is usually my go-to but squirtle is good as well
Pro tip: Don’t moan when getting a pat down at airport security
iron man: it’s not gonna work
me: trust me [walks up to thanos, takes off my glove and slaps him in the face with it] good sir, i challenge you to a duel
thanos: [starts to take off his gauntlet to return my slap but stops] oooo you almost had me
If they don’t want me to ash on the floor,maybe they should put some ashtrays in this gym