If you had more money you’d be happier.
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Me: So now you will deep dive into my lore?
Interviewer: Well, we prefer to call it a background check.
[me, watching Alfred Hitchcock’s The Birds] oh, there they are
The strangers on this cruise are getting really sick of me eavesdropping and interrupting with “I’m in the same boat.”
Does anybody want a cat? Free to a good or average home
someone ate my burrito from the office fridge. i will level this building.
Here’s the complete list of must have items for a middle aged woman when travelling away from home:
– Tweezers
*getting murdered*
WAIT!!!!!!!
*buys new underwear and put them on.*
*flosses*
*sets phone on fire*Okay, proceed.
me: [a rest stop designer] this is the tile I want for the bathrooms that are always out of order
All I want for Christmas is you.
Buried in my backyard.
I am writing a book about all the things I should be doing in my life.
It’s called an oughtobiography.
scared the mailman today by coming to the door naked.
Not sure if he was more surprised by that or that I knew where he lived…
eavesdropping at a coffee shop to this girl talking for an HOUR STRAIGHT about how she can’t find a good man and she hasn’t let her friend say even a single WORD. like sweetheart the call is coming from inside the house
My work here is don’t.
*gets bitten by radioactive shark
*the remaining half does not gain super powers
When aliens make movies with earthlings in them, I wonder what goofy names they give us?
She:Hey,Whats up?
Me:Onion prices.
S:You know what I mean,like What’s crackin’?
M:Nutshells.
S:Really?Fine.What’s poppin?
M:Corn.
*Blocked*
boy, pass me my luxury grilled pregnant smelt
Clark: *on one knee* Lois, will you help me turn this MEtropolis into a WEtropolis
if you have a roomba but don’t dress it up in little outfits then what are you even doing
The existence of Tumblr implies the existence of Glss and Coffe Mg
For lunch today, I think I will have a blistering hot bowl of ice cold soup. Thanks microwave.
Told my wife I wanted our kids every other weekend and she reminded me that we’re married & live together so I’d have to see them every day.
My neighbors with the fireworks would apparently like to wish everyone a happy July 7th.
My life is like Monopoly: sometimes I’m the racecar, sometimes I’m the iron.
But usually I’m a peanut because I’ve lost all the game pieces.
Me: I love you so much, you know that?
Toddler: *slaps me in the face*
[first day working at the zoo]
Me: I don’t know, one minute the tortoise was in the cage-
Supervisor: *letting me out* but how did he get your keys
5 Minute Crafts be like:
-cut a straw longways
– iron it flat
-soak it in ice water
-use your .001″ curling iron
-then glue it together
And now you have a straw!
Doctor: How did you get this black eye?
Me: Walked into a door
Doc: Really?
Me: I was using my phone lying down and dropped it on my face
NEIGHBOR: That’s the best haunted house I’ve seen. Terrifying Halloween decorations!
ME: [scattering body parts in the yard] Halloween?
Reporter: What can you tell us about the asteroid you recently discovered?
Astronomer: No, comet.