@Jenny4ashley: If you had to choose between voting for Trump or getting into the water with sharks, would you dive in or do a cannon ball?
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@mortimermaiden: [humane society] Me: Hi, I'd like one medium sized dog please. Vet: That's not— Me: Oops, I'm sorry. One "grande" dog please.
@dave_cactus: ME: *drinking Canada Dry* CANADIANS: Hello 911? There's a guy here somehow drinking our water reservoirs.
@ExBoltsFan: I imagine hooking up with you would be like asparagus. I’d forget you quickly but be reminded every time I pee.
@murrman5: [wife looking at sketch of donut burglar on the news] "he looks like you" [me holding huge glass of milk on way to basement] it's not though