If you had to choose between voting for Trump or getting into the water with sharks, would you dive in or do a cannon ball?
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I would like to believe if I ever met any of my idols I would act calm and normal. The problem with this is idk if I’ve ever acted calm or normal.
My 4-year-old thinks the 5-second rule means she can eat anything off the floor if she waits 5-seconds first. That M&M was from last Easter.
SOCIALIZING IS EASY FOR ME BECAUSE I AM NEVER TEMPTED TO FEAST ON MY HUMAN FRIENDS
I hate the word Fiancée. Why do i have to speak french just because youre getting married
No, YOUR illiterate.
if the second I text you back, you call me because you know I’m holding my phone, I will call the police.
Whenever I read that a suspect is cooperating with investigators I picture them being helpful in the interrogation room. Tidying up. Providing light conversation.
If your human doesn’t feed you immediately, run in front of their feet and trip them up.
~Cats, apparently.
Dear Snapchat, I don’t care what I look like as a strawberry, just give me a filter that makes me look like I showered.
I’ll take the cash and buy my own pizza, thanks
Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses
Waiter, “Welcome to red lobster, I’m your seafood expert.”
me- “did you know octopuses have a beak?”
W-“no”
Me- “who’s the expert now?”
I’m watching a show about a cold case in a place called Townsville, and I’m furious the stupid cops have not asked the Powerpuff Girls for assistance. It’s incompetence is what it is.
if you’re hiding from a deranged killer and forget to put your phone on silent, at least make the ringtone the benny hill theme.
Participating in a raid on a secret high-tech underground bunker? Be the guy who knows the access codes. The guy who knows the access codes always makes it to at least the third act.
Me: I need to make better life choices.
Also me: CAKE FOR BREAKFAST IT IS.
A cubical is a great place to reflect on all the bad decisions you’ve made in your life
*Tears off break away pants as I approach the breakfast buffet*
Made it five weeks at my new job before anyone saw my underwear
Went up to some of my neighbors from the last 10 years to let them know they’re losing a pillar of the community, and they were like sorry who are you?
When I was a kid, I got mad at my brother and told him people whose names start with J don’t go to heaven, and my mom just looked at me and said, “Jesus”.
nothing better than sand between your toes at the beach, and nothing worse than sand between your toes literally anywhere else.
DIET JOURNAL
DAY 1: A little hungry. Stayed within my calories. I can do this.
DAY 4: A humpback whale responded to my stomach growls.
When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few cartons of eggs into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford eggs.
You can’t make me happy, mate. You’re not a family sized packet of salty sweet popcorn.
My daughter went back to college today and I texted her that I missed her so much and she texted back 2.5 hours later, “Yes.” Then, “Sorry, that wasn’t for you.”
I WAS IN LABOR FOR 14 HOURS
ME: I’d like to order…the updog.
WAITER: How would u like that prepared?
ME: um medium well?
W: very good
Me: oh god what have I just done
The photographer’s assistant
Eating nothing but beer for a month call that oktoberfast.
When I see a guy with a tooth pick in his mouth I’m like, wow. look at that guy. he ate most of a tree.