If you had to choose between voting for Trump or getting into the water with sharks, would you dive in or do a cannon ball?
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Arguing with strangers on the internet is like yelling at a parking meter. I mean, I still do it sometimes, but nobody wins.
*brings therapist to family gathering*
Me: See?
Therapist: ᵒʰ ᵐʸ ᵍᵒᵈ
Instead of a DING DONG sound, I wish my doorbell would explain to the person how much I don’t want to get off the couch.
I gave her the red cup
Instead of the green
She threw her hands up
Proceeded to scream
I countered with reason
“I’ll fix this for you
Don’t start at a ten
When it’s barely a two”
She narrowed her eyes
Considered me swiftly
Ignored all my reason
And took it to fifty
Expiration date? More like spoiler alert.
Dear Restaurant Managers:
If more than 3 employees ask me how I’m enjoying my meal, I begin to wonder if you know something I don’t know.
[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier
I get it Bryan Adams. It was the summer of 69, but what year?
[fast food management]
“All dipping sauces go into a plastic container.”
“What about ketchup?”
“Use a tiny pouch impossible to open without getting half of it on your fingers.”
When guys hold up their legs while riding a motorcycle. Like oh r u having soooo much fun. Are you saying weeeeeee
But have you tried crying about it?
-Toddlers
If you have a plateful of generic fries they’ll only steal one, but you’ll wish they had taken them all
When people tell me my skin is soft I can’t help but wonder if they’re measuring me for a rug
Boss: It’s a little strange that you’re only sick on Fridays…
Me: I have a weekend immune system.
School – “Here is an amazing photo of the kids outside enjoying a beautiful spring day!”
Every parent – It would be amazing if my kid weren’t picking their nose
[texting my wife from the barber]
WIFE: where are you?
ME: just getting my hair cut
WIFE: ok. send me a picture of it when you’re done
ME:
Pretty pissed at myself for hiding the chocolate too close to the potpourri in my underwear drawer.
[me, watching sports] ah yes, go ball
me: hey man you ready to go?
goku: hold on I gotta charge my phone
me:
goku: AHHHHHHHHHH
me: almost done?
goku: AHHHHHHHHHH
me: son of a-
[On the next episode of…]
mobster: are you wearing a wire?
me: *speaking directly into the potted plant I’m carrying* no, of course not
whenever god closes a door he opens a window because he’s taking a pretty nasty shit in there.
Woman cut me off, stole my parking spot. I honked, flipped her off and went into yoga. Woman came into class as the instructor. Namaste.
My gynecologist sent me a refund check for $18.70. I don’t know what it’s for but I feel like I need to be offended.
Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.
[zombie movie set]
Director into megaphone: “We’re about to start rolling. Look alive people!”
*actors look around confused as heck*
I still remember the day two Nigerian men were arguing on the bus, and they fully agreed to exchange numbers to meet up and fight that weekend cus they were late for work.
LOOOOOOOOOOOOL
I told my kid what we’re having for dinner, and she replied, “Man, I just can’t win today.” She turned into a 47-year-old guy with a mortgage and lower back pain right before my eyes.
The age at which you can no longer comfortably sit in bleachers for extended periods of time will correspond directly to the age at which your kid’s sport will require you to.
Love means never having to say you’re sorry for accidentally bringing home six more cats.
the composer