@ericsshadow: If you had to decide between being fat and rich or poor and skinny, what bridge would you sleep under?
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@conanobrienswyf: All out of clean spoons so I guess I'll just eat this fat free yogurt with my gun.
@HatfieldAnne: I need you guys to take my phone away from me. It’ll probably take a couple of you to do it. I'm a biter.
@theshantilly: Me: What's w/the ice pack? 12: I have a headache. Me: Do you think it's a good idea to play video games if you have a headache? 12: Yes.
@truegritrumble: ME: I'd like to register my kid for school. SCHOOL REGISTRAR: Sir, that's a goat. ME: *proudly* A BABY goat.