If you had to decide between being fat and rich or poor and skinny, what bridge would you sleep under?
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*gains winter weight for “insulation”
*is now fat and cold
Things that don’t kill bees
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming
My kid just sneezed in my face and laughed.
Snots fired.
My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
WIFE: Why are you wearing camo?
ME: Crap. You can see me?
WIFE: Put those cookies back.
Plugging your phone into your work computer: “Would you like this device to access your photos?”
No! Abort! Abort!!
the best way to avoid people outside stores with clipboards is by carrying your own
My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard.
Weird how first we have to pretend to be asleep in order to fall asleep.
When I die, don’t burn or bury me. Instead, skip my stiff body across a still lake like a smooth flat stone.
getting fitted for a wedding suit and i know they’re going to ask me what i want and already i know i’m going to just go blank and say like “pants….. and jacket”
I’m supposed to be Gen-X but I feel like Gen-FML is more fitting.
[Talking to a giant banana] “Is that a human being in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?”
“Let’s play 21 questions”
Nigerian Girl: how tall are you?
Nigerian Guy: Rice. What’s the worst thing you’ve done with a guy?
If I ever get trampled to death by a herd of cattle I want my obituary to say I was pasturized. Thanks.
The Little Mermaid is a bullshit title. She was a regular sized mermaid.
The Indian restaurant I work for is so secretive I had to sign a legal agreement that I wouldn’t share the flatbread recipe
Just their standard naan disclosure agreement
A couple weeks ago I left my front door open and my Roomba got out. This morning it showed up on my porch pregnant, with a dead bird in its mouth.
If I were Australian I’d tweet “OMG Mayan zombies eating my brain.” Then sit back & cuddle a kangaroo & look super sexy while U.S. freaked.
Instructions in the Men’s Room for hand washing. Because non-hand washers can’t be bothered unless there’s an opportunity to learn stuff.
Don’t be scared of a snake. It’s just a slimey, conscious rope that is evil and can kill you.
ME:I dunno why I try dialogue tweets.
ME: Me neither.
ME: Who neither
ME: You
ME: Which you? Me you or you you?
what idiot decided to call it “the Iliad & the Odyssey” and not Troy Story and Troy Story 2
[swimming]
friend: shark!
me: relax, you’re more likely to be killed by a bus than killed than by a shark
shark: *driving out of control bus into the ocean*
me: well I’ll be damned
“What about flying rats with no poop muscles and scissors for mouths?”
– God creating birds
You gotta sprinkle in a few yeahs with those uh huhs or else they’re gonna know
[arriving in hell]
him: so what did you do?
me: *wearing a v neck t-shirt under a v neck pullover* no idea
{notices you’re wearing silver earrings}
sorry your ears came in 2nd
Bruises are your bodies way of reminding you that you should nap more and gallivant less.