If you hate the word moist, try replacing it with muggy.
For example: Her panties were muggy af.
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Me: I made this belt out of herbs
Her: why?
Me: oh, just waisting some thyme
Clark Kent “I have a confession”
Lois Lane “what is it?”
*Clark removes his glasses*
Lois “Is it a bird?”
Clark “WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU”
[me complaining about how many apps on my phone are purple] like I really gotta look before I press it ya know
[guy 911 told me to keep talking to till the paramedics arrive] definitely annoying
Me: my grandfather was George Washington
Date: don’t you mean your great great great great great great grandfather
Me: i mean he was okay
I’m only here while I wait for that Nigerian prince to follow through on his end of the bargain.
It’s easy to make friends as an adult, you just go up to someone you think looks normal & ask them if they’d like to go pick out matching butterfly knives with you, it works for dating & job interviews, too
no one:
absolutely no one:
my 8 year old: i hate lasagna if someone ever brought me one when im old id make my wife eat it
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, except for bears, bears will kill you.
No, autocorrect, I’m not “pooping” popcorn. Not now anyway. Later, yes, but I don’t plan to text about it.
I saw an audiologist today, but I think I’ll get a second opinion. Why on earth would I need a heron egg?
Me: I just need some alone time away from the kids
Wife: When?
Me: Between 2 and 5
Wife: Ok
Me: I’ll be back when they’re 6
My house fluctuates between smelling like a freshly baked cake or a tropical island vacation because aromatherapy provides what I cannot.
Nah nah nah nah nah nah nah nah…..
Asked hubs to pick up tampons. Love doin that shit. Also said I needed super, light, long, short, orange ones so he’ll have to ask someone.
I think that McDonalds is putting an unhealthy amount of lettuce in the Big Macs these days.
Kids don’t scare me cause their little arms aren’t strong enough to swing a chainsaw.
Me and be Jealous?… HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA … Who is McDonald’s and why are you ‘lovin it’?
Why didn’t they just call Thanksgiving ‘The Nightmare Before Christmas’?
Him: Are you eating cake for breakfast again?
Me: [mouth full] It’s got eggs in it.
Why do preachers call them sermons and not Godcasts?
Vet: “I can see the head…
…here’s the neck…
…more neck…
…more neck…
…neck…
…neck…
…neck…
…still more neck…
…neck…
…it’s a giraffe!”
My mom asked why I work out so much. I told her it’s to look good for nude laser tag season.
I’m thinking she’s never asking that again.
If you make a simple mistake but fix it right away, what year will your spouse finally let it go?
My car won’t turn off in the garage unless I check the closet for monster trucks.
The awkward part of having the 10 Commandments displayed in US courthouses is realizing that 8 of them are pretty much legal here.
Hey kids! Make your voice heard this election day by hiding your parents identification! (Not applicable in some states)
95% of American office workers are watching the World Cup right now.
Overall productivity level remains steady.
[Beauty and the Beast, Tinder Edition]
BELLE: *swipes left*[credits]
Acronyms got me like WTF?