@TheMichaelRock: If you hate yourself, just drink alcohol like an adult; there's no need to vote for Trump.
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@DougBenson: I don't like it when my phone puts a word in "quotals" like I made it up or I'm stupid or something.
@girlontapas: How is it that my kids can never find their own shoes but... Easily find the one ice cream sandwich I hid behind the peas in the freezer.
@causticbob: I saw an Indian asleep on the train, noticed the little red dot on his forehead, and thought, "Is he on standby?"
@blade_funner: Friend:*terrified* don't make a sound and maybe the killer won't find us Me: *quietly tries to tighten velcro sneakers*