Nephew: Were the scorpions around when there were dinosaurs?
Me: You mean like the band?
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I thought it was “it takes two to make a dingo ride”.
And then “it takes two to make it out of sight”….ON the dingo.
That 0.1% of bacteria that no household product can kill is what will inherit our earth
7: can we have an awake-over tonight?
me: an awake-over?
7: it’s like a sleepover but without the sleep
My son said a bunch of disparaging things about Billy Joel and now he sleeps outside in a tent. That’ll learn him.
HAMMER PANTS: can’t touch this
HAMMER PANTIES: definitely can’t touch this
I’ve seen enough movies to know that when you wake up in a hospital bed, you rip all the cords off because you’ve got work to do.
*holds in gut when stepping on a scale*
Daughter: dada what does nocturnal mean?
Me: it means active at night.
Daughter: like Batman?
Me: yes like Batman.
Daughter: dada?
Me: yes?
Daughter: am I nocturnal?
Me: [clock says 2 am] yes you are.
Daughter: am I Batman?
Me: what?
Daughter: [Batman voice] I’m Batman.
[on a first date]
Her: I don’t like guns
Me: *casually unrolls my t-shirt sleeves*
You take the garbage out and forget to put a new liner in the kitchen trash can and your family throws garbage in anyway because team work.
just tried to put my phone in my pocket when i was wearing a towel so things are going great
Last night,my friend changed all my contacts in my phone.I’ve been texted by Batman Donatello,Hermione Granger.I have no idea who they are.
Stop talking trash about marine life!
Sharks are POWERFUL
Whales are GENTLE
Crabs are RESOURCEFUL
Jellyfish are PEACEFUL
Dolphins
Octopi are VERY SMART
“Let’s tape a spider to a lobster and scare the shit out of everyone forever.”
-God making scorpions
My brother says that after you reach a certain age, you become more concerned about the hereafter.
As in:
I cam into this room. what did I come here after?
Auto correct changed “group hug” to “grope hug” and I’m not in charge of the team-building exercises any more.
[roleplaying]
her: this is weird
me: [dressed as lumiere from beauty and the beast] say “i’ve been burned by you before”
her: [dressed as the feather duster] no
CW: What’d you have for breakfast?
Me: A bowl of Oreos.
CW: Lol you mean Cherrios?
Me: No.
Host: Congratulations! You won the hot dog eating contest!
Me: *mouth full, sitting off to the side of the stage* The what?
“Are you pro gay?” he asked. “Amateur at best,” I replied
I’ve had a lot more interest from women since I’ve been forced to wear a mask and I don’t know how to feel about that.
I always ask Subway workers if THEY want double meat, then wink.
Then I get kicked out.
spent 20 minutes training ChatGPT to write the perfect anniversary note for my wife so don’t try to tell me I’m not romantic
911: What’s your emergency?
I’m being held hostage by the Swedish mafia!
911: Are you being tortured?
They’re making me put together an IKEA Poäng chair
911: Just asking for a friend, but what color?
I put cucumbers, lemons, lime, and mint leaves in my water today thinking I was fancy…my one student gonna yell out and say “Ms. Luck got a salad in her water”
*students erupt in laughter*
Boss: I expect total transparency from my staff
Trevor: That’s not always practic—
John the Jellyfish: NO PROBLEM BOSS
Wow! It’s hard to believe summer is just around the corner and that seasons have corners.
I’m not religious but I know there’s a hell because Monopoly exists
this is why god doesn’t talk to us anymore