@TheMichaelRock: If you hate yourself, just drink alcohol like an adult; there's no need to vote for Trump.
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@PastorMark: A hipster guy is one who kept his grandpa's clothes but lost his grandpa's work ethic.
@SoVeryBritish: Trains delayed due to: - Wrong kind of sun - Ominous cloud - Slightly damp leaf - Chilly track - Suspicious gravel - Sarcastic swan
@T_N_Crumpets: *Bruno Mars on the radio* Wife: Would you catch a grenade for me? Brain: Just say, YES! Me: Has the pin been pulled? Brain: Idiot!