If you have 6+ numbers after your name as part of your Twitter handle I can only assume you’re an inmate & tweeting from prison.
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[yoga]
INSTRUCTOR: pigeon pose, ladies!
ME: *already tugging the sandwich out of her purse*
*watching Goodfellas for the first time* These fellas are morally grey at BEST
Woke up this morning, looked in the mirror & said out loud, “You gotta bring it today!”
SO I’M GONNA BRING IT!
*brings lunch to work*
First they make you step on the scale, and then they announce your weight out loud. It’s like the assistants at the doctor’s office don’t know anything about women.
All I’m saying is pulling a lion out of your hat is actually much more impressive than pulling a rabbit out of your hat.
I just found a Cheerio in my sofa and we don’t have any Cheerios in this house.
*eats it
Knights in white satin do not sound like they would be properly protected in a battle scenario. Yes, they would LOOK incredible but sadly they would die
A teacher grabbed my arm in the 3rd grade and pulled me to the back of the line. When I asked what I did, she said you know what you did. I’m 47 and I still don’t know.
I’m not saying I’m a mythical creature, I’m just saying that I am single on Twitter & also in real life.
(At a funeral)
Im so sorry for your loss. I know how it feels to lose something you love. Last year Taylor Swift took her music off Spotify.
Canadian Tinder users are 56% male, 44% female and 33% holding a fresh trout
“Why buy expensive fireworks when you can make your own with ordinary household chemicals?” I said, and the other patients in the ER agreed.
“seasonal depression” makes it sound like i brought it home from the farmers’ market
Had an epiphany today.
“dress for the job you want”
“ok!”
*shows up to work naked*
“what are you doing”
“i don’t want a job”
me, to me: babe are you ok? you’ve hardly touched your resolutions from last year
“I know you! You were one of the bad guys in Titanic!” I yelled at the ocean, who ignored me like most celebrities.
Groom: I do.
Priest: And..
Me: can you give me a minute? [pulls best friend aside] ok what should I say because I don’t wanna look as though I like him too much and seem needy will I just say lol or make a joke.
It’s so hot today I went to see the ex just for the cold shoulder and icy stare.
My doctor asked if anyone in my family suffers from mental illness. I said, ‘No we all seem to enjoy it.’
hello secretary? i need you to go to that website where you can combine pokemon and combine mew and squirtle, print it out and bring it here
The worst thing about living in the city must be cleaning all the dead parkour people out of your chimney.
[first date]
HER: What are you doing with the Tupperware?
ME: [filling container] The sign says ‘All You Can Eat’, it doesn’t specify when
100% of divorces begin with marriage.
Officer i swear I’ve only had 2 dog beers (14 beers)
If you’re happy and you know it, thank your ex.
If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.
My dogs have requested that I stop trying to homeschool them.
The longer I stay home, the more homeless I look