@charmfoz: If you have 6+ numbers after your name as part of your Twitter handle I can only assume you're an inmate & tweeting from prison.
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@OhNoSheTwitnt: Some coworkers sign emails with "cheers" or "sincerely" followed by their names but I typically use "you've made a powerful enemy today."
@mjkspeaks: [interview] HIM: have u ever bribed anyone? ME: *pulls a package of OREO's from briefcase and slides across table* depends on who's asking
@shariv67: We can put a robot on Mars but we can't make a hand rail that goes the same speed as an escalator.
@XplodingUnicorn: I told my 2-year-old to find her shoes She cupped her hands & yelled "Shoes, where are you?" I'd help her, but I want to see if this works