If you have 6+ numbers after your name as part of your Twitter handle I can only assume you’re an inmate & tweeting from prison.
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him: it’s nice that you wear your heart on your sleeve
me: that’s ketchup
OLD MAN: I fought in WWII
ME: Oh yeah? What was your kill:death ratio
OLD MAN: what
ME: Can you rocket jump?
OLD MAN: I wish Hitler had won
I had to buy our dog flowers because I accidentally called him our old dog’s name.
When #EgyptAir announced “he’s not a terrorist, just an idiot” My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.
Listen up, guys
Neil Diamond is the name of a famous American singer-songwriter but it’s also a checklist for anyone about to propose
My husband has recently discovered that he’s a coffee snob.
Husband: I think I’d like a grinder.
12yo: Download it from the app store
Me:
Husband:
12yo:
Me: *shoots gun*
Cop: you’re under arrest for murdering a gun
Treat your SO like your cell phone. Even if you’re not paying attention to them, keep them safe in your pocket
I have a friend who doesn’t drink coffee, so to stay alert at work he gets a healthy amount of sleep each night. What a loser
I’m done – Now even the damn ouija board is asking me who I’m voting for in the election
I deal with my problems in the order they were received.
Right now they’re all on hold listening to crappy music.
The Lion King is probably my favorite children’s movie about running away from your problems until you’re strong enough to kill your uncle.
Bruce Willis is relaxing by his pool. he’s got so much sunscreen on that he slowly slides off his lounger, out of the gate & down the road
‘Pizza Hut, can I take your order?’
Me: ‘May I speak with the owl, please?’
‘Who?’
Me: ‘Hahaha, that never gets old! Large pepperoni.’
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
Nativity scenes become something else entirely if you put a fork and knife in the hands of the adults.
CHRISTMAS FACT:
Baby Jesus actually received two blocks of gold on his birth, making him the first child in history to have an Au pair.
My 3yo instructed me to be the monster at the park but just as I was about to grab her she shouted “hey monster, it’s lunch time!” so I’m super impressed with her survival skills
I never leave home without my phone charger but I’m always unprepared in every other way.
Thinking about getting a part-time job on the weekends so I can take my family to Disney World in 2028.
Fantasy:
We run in slow motion toward each other across an open field.
Her side is mined.
Me: I choose Truth!
Him: What is the most time wasting app on your phone?
Me: …I choose Dare!
friend: how’s the amazon job?
me: can’t complain
friend: what’s with the beeping collar?
me: *tearing up* can’t complain
[Bank]
COP: [through megaphone] LET ONE OF THE HOSTAGES GO
ROBBER: Okay, who wants out?
ME: [spinning on bosses chair] I’m comfortable.
Press 1 for English
Press 2 For SpanishPress 1 or 2 for Indian
If you like piña coladas
And gettin’ caught in the rain
Then you need an umbrella
For your drink & your mane
It’s not condescending if they’re stupid.
Mother in law: How’d you get this turkey so juicy?
Me: I’m…
Wife: … no
Me: a…
Wife: … don’t
Me: *stares at wife* master baster!
Whenever I’m facing a moral dilemma, I think of the advice my father gave me.
“Never leave a paper trail,” he’d say, tapping the glass partition between us for emphasis.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: How come Cinderella was able to talk to the mice but not the birds, cat or dog??