It’s pretty flattering when some random guy declares his love for you under a tweet. Especially if your the third chick he’s done it to in the last hour. So touching
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The other day I walked past a neighbor’s house and the parrot on their porch whistled at me.
If I were a therapist, I would prescribe this to everyone with depression, every day, forever.
BRB gonna walk past my neighbor’s house
me when the borders lift
Based on the amount of animal hair, clinging to your t-shirt, I’m going to pass on your homemade cookies, thank you.
“hush little baby” is my favorite lullaby that teaches infants about rampant consumerism
Signs you’re a man:
*has a massive heart attack* It’s nothing, really. I’m fine.
*catches a cold* Gather ‘round children. My time is drawing nigh.
Children look up to me. They say “Hey mister why are ya sleepin in that tree?”
I’m not saying it’s been a while, but, the last time a girl got down on her knees for me, she showed me how to tie my shoelaces.
You know, my dream for gaming is where in one game you’ll shoot someone and then during a game of say Fifa you’ll see their son crying
I don’t friendzone people. I relationshipzone them. Want to be friends? Too bad we are dating.
“yer a magician, harry” hagrid said to hary houdini when he graduted magic academy
[dollar store]
“how much for your finest dollar?”
I haven’t tweeted about murder for a while and that’s exactly how a real killer would put you at ease.
Prayers for my 4yo who despite many attempts is currently unable to remove his nose
*Hears something go bump in the night.
Me: *jumping out of bed. Who’s there?
Ghost: Oh shit, I woke the scary one.
Me and the dogs are watching a Tom and Jerry cartoon. They appreciate the blue and yellow hues, and I like the orchestral score, but we’re not buying the improbable plot twists and we bemoan the lack of character depth
When asked if I was good with my hands I said “sure, I guess, but sometimes i’m naughty with them too”
Waterbeds are for people who want to get sea sick at home.
“Bob’s coming over”
Bob from work or Bob who thinks he’s a cop?
*knock on door* OPEN UP, POLICE
*flushing drugs down toilet* “Bob from work”
In the name of “Hell Kitty”, an army of children wages a bloody and unholy war.
“It was just a typo,” sobs Glenn, ex-Tshirt factory worker.
[taking FRIENDS quiz]
7. Which character do you most identify with?
Ross
8. Which is your least favorite character?
Ross
Natalie Imbruglia: I thought I saw a man brought to life. He was warm, he came around like he was dignified
Him:
me: “it hurts when i pee”
doctor: “quit peeing on my desk and ill stop hitting you!”
5: wow, you look so pretty
Me: thank yo—
5: with your sunglasses on
Me: am I pretty without them?
*UNCOMFORTABLY LONG PAUSE*
5: sure
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Wife: Let me do the talking
Cop: No, I’ll do the talking
Me: Why is your wife even with you
Cop: There you go, I said this would happen
“sir can you describe the stingray that attacked you?”
yes it was like a weird pancake
YOU KIDS GET OFF MY MOAT.
In case you were wondering, Taco Bell offers free wi-fi.
Don’t bother asking for the password, because it’s totally “Cornhole Explosion”.
Me [pitching a book idea]: It’s a create your own adventure book. But instead of an adventure you are actually making choices which will determine what you should have for dinner. Fights over dinner will be eliminated.
Him: So all paths lead to ordering pizza?
Me: Obviously.
Why would I get married when it’s a well known fact that only 50% of all marriages end in divorce?
During winter months, some people will try to hug you just to steal some of your body heat.
Beware of false huggers.