Wouldn’t it be great to be a dog or a cat so you could just walk up to people whenever you wanted & lay down beside them & demand they pet you all over your body – not just when you’re really drunk out in public?
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If my neighbor doesn’t want to hear my enthusiastic singing, why is she blasting Celine Dion at 2AM
Him (five years ago): Do you have a work out routine?
Me: *still laughing
The sincerest form of flattery is having a robot from the future sent back in time to kill you. Imitation is a distant second.
I don’t get marriage
Do I need to look nice or can I go as the sewer rat that I am?
– How I ask what the dress code is.
When you stub your toe but there are kids around.
A toddler will look you dead in the eye and ask you if it’s Christmas soon when Christmas was yesterday
do british taxpayers realise how much money goes down the drain because james bond won’t take the bus
You say no portion control, I say treating every meal like it’s your last
Don’t ever be sad on a Saturday. Wait till Monday and cry on company time. Don’t let capitalism win!
Psychologist: [holds up inkblot] and this one?
Me: a black swirling pit of despair
Psychologist: nope, it’s a duck wearing a funny hat
*notice roommate’s tampon wrappers in bathroom garbage*
*hides all my chocolate*
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: [snoring]
Netflix: [takes last piece of birthday cake from fridge]
Me: this a rush song?
Bartender: yeah, you a fan?
Me: does this answer your questions? *lifts shirt to reveal giant tattoo that says “no”*
I dont have a “college fund” bc my youngest will most likely get a scholarship and my oldest thinks all dogs are boys and all cats are girls
3-year-old: Let’s play zombies
Me: OK
3: You’re the dad zombie, I’m the mom zombie & this is the baby
She tricked me into playing house
One minute she’s saying “put yourself in my shoes” and the next it’s all “well you’ve gone and ruined them now, you idiot”
“My god,” the explosives specialist says. “The bomb’s diffuser is hooked up to a ridiculously difficult sudoku that has to be solved in under 6 minutes!”
I slowly look up. My time has come…
I wonder if the guy who came up with the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.
😂🤣😂🤣😂🤣
The Twelve Days According to Mom
12 stacks of laundry
11 dirty diapers
10 toddler tantrums
9 teenage eye rolls
8 unwashed bottles
7 errands to run
6 kids fighting
5 min sex life
4 mins to shower
3 broken nails
2 giant eye bags
1 tired mom
i hear the new batman movie is so long because there’s a scene where bruce wayne withdraws the entirety of his bank account but he asks for it all in ones and then counts it all while facing the camera
I found a condom lying in the street in front of my house so I now know exactly where the rubber meets the road.
“How do you speak such good English?” “I dunno 200 years of colonialism and eurocentric education, how do you know so little history?”
‘Hello Microsoft support, what’s the nature of the problem?’
‘Eggshell’
‘Eggshell??’
‘Yesh’
‘Oh hello again Mr Connery. Spreadsheet issues?’
Dr: What are some of your hobbies?
“I like correcting factual inaccuracies in women’s jokes on Twitter”
Dr: (writing) Not sexually active.
CAT: so thirsty
ME: *gives water*
CAT: *knocks bowl over on purpose*
CAT: hey! dying of thirst here
If I tell you I will do anything for you, don’t get too excited, because I will also do anything for a slice of pizza.
Sorry you heard me going through your medicine cabinet. I was trying to be quiet.
shoutout to whoever hacked my doordash account and sent $140 worth of wingstop to my address instead of theirs