if you have a dog and don’t greet it by singing “hello barkness, my old friend” then what’s the point
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its wild how some kids are so free with other new kids with brief torrential friendships on a playground. imagine grown ups just walking up to each other like “HEY, ADULT” and then you’re grocery shopping or doing your taxes together for an hour then never see them again
[Maroon 4 meeting]
Adam Levine: “Our band name sucks”
Drummer that no one knows the name of: “let’s think bigger”
Adam: “I’ve got it”
Me: I just heard a noise
WebMD: Cancer
Not to brag in front of all the other moms at this swim meet, but my kid can swim in slow motion.
If you’re suddenly feeling warm and wet, it might be because I put your Voodoo doll somewhere warm and wet.
Damn girl, are you astrophysics? Because I don’t know enough about you to finish this joke.
Why do people say half a dozen?
Why can’t they just say Six
I thrive on chaos!
*breaks spaghetti noodles in half*
me: hey dad will you pass the turkey
dad: *pats belly* I sure hope so son
I’m sorry you’re just not NASA material
“Why?”
Well, you wrote ‘red’ then crossed it out & put ‘human’ under blood type on your application.
Hey, people “liking” Walmart on Facebook – you OK?
You would think a Steven with a ph would know better than to address me as Alison with two Ls.
CABLE COMPANY: Someone will be there between 6:30 am and 9:45 pm.
ME: That’s pretty vague.
CC: Oh, sorry. It’ll be a cable TV installer.
*hears your text message notification beep*
*constantly imitates it so you check your phone for no reason*
7-year-old: Can we leave the house?
Me: We could go for a walk.
7: And then what?
Me: Come back to the house.
7: I’ll just stay here.
You guys are going to lose it when the Identity Theft Mosquitos get here.
Husband: [turns car on, explicit 90s hip-hop blares] Wow, this is what you listen to with the kids?
Me: No, I put it on after I drop them off [changes stations]
6YO: Hey! Go back that’s my favorite!
Just saw the first robin of the year so you know what that means. Batman can’t be far behind.
Every earthquake is a reminder that you drunk-ate the good granola bars out of the earthquake kit eight years ago and never restocked them.
A cabbage a day keeps people away.
I want to be rich enough to tell the Chipotle cashier, “Guacamole is NO OBJECT!”
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Thou art not as nice as this time last year.
Me: I’m not paranoid.
Also me: Why are all my targeted ads from dreams I had last night?
We don’t have Taco Bell in South Africa because this country’s been through too much already.
driving is absolutely insane. I’m gonna hop in this metal box and roll around so fast that hitting literally anything might kill me
It’s a gift
ranch dressing should be somehow condensed and solidified into fry shapes and fries should be pureed into a dipping sauce for them. assassins from every government on the planet are converging on my apartment as I type
Why cant a bike stand on it’s own?
It’s two tired.
FRIEND: Women want guys who take charge
ME: ok
[later]
WAITER: [to date] Ready to-
ME: [shoves waiter and grabs notepad] Ready to order?
Me: Please finish your drink
4: Don’t say it like that!
Me: Please consume the entirety of the liquid in the receptacle in front of you
4: Okay