If you have a flip-phone, you are probably an undercover cop.
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He’s so proud of his work! 🤣
When people ask me “plz” because its shorter than “please”.. I just tell them “no” because its shorter than “yes.”
*stubs toe
*puts $100 in the swear jar
I’m not sure how many biscuits it takes to be happy, but so far it’s not twenty seven.
5, leaps down from high furniture onto floor and sees my horrified expression: look Mom, I’m really nervous-ing you up!
i’m vegetarian, but sometimes i introduce myself as vegan so people will leave me alone
everyone freaking out thinking the robot apocalypse is coming bc the google AI is sentient and it’s like okay? just add it to the apocalypse pile who cares
Mailmen are basically reverse garbagemen.
I’ve spent the six years trying to learn Braille via hospital elevators. So far, I know elevator.
My wife asked me to name off all my sexual partners in order.
I should probably have stopped when I got to her name
we all have skills – but like, ones you can’t talk about right? like I am really good at wringing out a cloth the perfect amount so it doesn’t drip but it’s still juicy
4-year-old: I put my Barbie in the tanning bed.
Me: You don’t have a Barbie tanning bed.
4:
Me: *sprints to the toaster*
my grandparents were such a vibe in the 40s
I just switched my phone to airplane mode and a small child appeared and started kicking me in the back.
Disappointed it’s raining this weekend
Was totally going to do that job I’ve been putting off for 6 months
I make a lot of jokes about my husband and they’re all true, but sometimes I forget to mention how lucky he is with me as a wife.
Today I burned spinach.
I don’t have a gf, but I do know a woman who in the car often asks where this is going so I show her the GPS & she gets mad for some reason.
All these poor newlyweds in quarantine just aging their marriages in dog years.
My wife said the infinity scarf I got her is too small and I said: “That’s mathematically impossible.”
Anyhoo, we’re divorced now.
Become a parent if you want to be judged by your kids on your ability to provide chocolate milk at any given moment and by other parents for being willing to
Me: gentleman of this truck stop bathroom, please boo that kid for not washing his hands
All: BOOOO!
kid: I am telling mom
Like most parents, I live in fear of the day I have to explain PRETTY WOMAN to my daughter.
My biology teacher asked what the function of carbohydrates were, but apparently “filling the deep well of sadness inside of me” was incorrect.
“Is my wife asleep or dead?”
It’s a game I play by picking up her phone.
*pulls handle on slot machine
*prune
*prune
*prune
*diarrhea comes out
People think Mt. Everest is the tallest mountain in the world, but did you know it’s actually the mountain of papers my kids bring home from school every day?
Wolves in sheep’s clothing. Wolves in human clothing. Wolves in short skirts and heels. Hot single wolves in your area.
Parenting is basically telling your kids they need to eat more fruit then telling them to quit eating all the fruit.
NO SCREENS FOR THE WHOLE WEEKEND just fell out of my mouth and if divorce were a facial expression my husband just asked me for one
Does the thirty minutes of cardio have to be all at once or can you spread it out over fifty years?