Dammit, I forgot which one I left my key under.
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*finds baby on doorstep*
Me: Should…should we keep it?
Wife: …Let’s sleep on it
Me: (wide-eyed) Christ Deborah that’d kill him
A little poetry never killed anybody. But haiku keeps trying.
Best mom ever 😂
It’s a shock to me that people actually pay their student loans. That’s a bill I gave to Jesus
Memes like this are the reason I still use social media.
me: I’m going to kill the moon
dude: the moon is flat
me: I’m going to kill the moon and flat-mooners
The cynicism of those who urge me not to do what I can to help the Nigerian royal family.
According to scientists, money can reportedly carry more germs than a household toilet and yet when I do some money laundering, the cops arrest me.
Is it because I’m brown??
Why are we all Facebook friends with an English teacher we had in high school
Your resume just says “falconer”
“And?”
Well, this is a bank
*falcon starts break-dancing*
“Not yet Tyler, wait until he offers us the job”
Me: Do not ‘K’ me again.
Daughter: Que
Me: In any language.
Her: SiThis is why I’m crazy.
[first date]
HER: I totally love Nirvana
ME: Oh yeah? Name one of their albums
HER: Nevermind
ME Okay, forget about it then
“Look we LOVE the script for ‘Murder Bees’, just change the name to ‘My Girl’ and you’ve got yourself a movie!!”
Should I buy a pizza? Heads I do, tales I ignore the coin.
The /r/ubiquiti subreddit has been going back and forth the last few days on who can make the shortest ethernet cable and it’s been seriously cracking me up.
5: You forgot my night-light! It keeps monsters away.
Me: If a monster wants to get you, a 4 watt bulb won’t stop him. Good night, Sweetie.
Hubby is redoing Sis’s kitchen. Today he kicked down a wall like a one man SWAT team. I’ve got the ibuprofen gel on standby.
2020: The Year In Review
Everyone: No
My neighbor was complaining about my cat pooping in her flower bed but I didn’t have the heart to tell her it’s actually my kids.
Number one rule as a snake charmer, never fall in love.
Me: Siri set an alarm for 6am tomorrow morning. I want to go to the gym before work.
Siri: Lol
When you’re mimicking someone behind their back and they suddenly turn around
Doctor Informs Patient Weird Lump On Neck Nothing He Can Afford To Worry About
It’s adorable when I bring workout clothes on a trip to Miami like I’m not just going to eat, drink, and sleep.
I got a new vacuum that sucks so much, it was directed by M. Night Shamalayan
If corporations are people then that’s really gross because we walk inside of them all the time.
[real estate agent giving a tour of my brain]
And here we have yet another breakfast niche
Instead of getting annoyed, that stranger should have thanked me for tweezing his unruly ear hair.