My 2yo just called me a rapscallion. Proof that my husband has been spending time with the children.
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Just tell me how many calories are in the entire package and save me the trouble of doing all the multiplication.
Kids teach you so many life lessons.
Unconditional love, patience, the meaning of family, but mostly to lock the bedroom door.
No, you try explain to a 6 year-old why Superman doesn’t wear a mask.
[unleashes dog at dog park]
me: don’t embarrass me now
dog: i won’t*sees pretty girl*
me: hi, i’m–
dog: he drinks wine through a straw
Amazon review of the Solar System
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”
POLICE OFFICER: I won’t ticket you, but — and this is a big but…
SIR MIX-A-LOT: I like where this is going
this is how life feels
Surgeon: I’m unable to perform this surgery. I’ve only got 10,000 spoons, when all I need is a knife.
I don’t mean to brag but I’m pretty lonely for a girl with an extensive action figure collection AND a fear of rocking chairs.
i love googling stuff. imagine not being able to google stuff. i would know next to nothing about the great molasses flood of 1919.
The greeter at my local Walmart is terrible at karate
Mom asked about a stock she’s owned for 20yrs called Amazon & I’ve mostly been telling her I love her & reminding her my brother never calls
Me: I’m feeling short of breath.
Her: Maybe it’s because you just climbed the stairs after eating an entire party-sized bag of chips?
Me: *rolls eyes* I didn’t put the chips in my lungs, Brenda.
I gave my husband the entire update on Kate Middleton including all the conspiracy theories and he listened politely and when I was finished he said, who is Kate Middleton?
Thinking about going to 50 Shades and eating loudly the whole time.
Just watched a mosquito suck my blood then throw up.
Ghost a one-night stand by dying in their apartment.
(10:00 am)
*adjusts lawn chair, sits down, opens highly anticipated new book, settles in comfortably for a long read*(10:02 am)
*already chasing after a pretty butterfly*
I’m thinking about starting a car service for dogs called the Scooby D’uber
me: wanna hear a joke about a guy who questions everything
her: sure
me: why
Do you, Karen, take David the Optometrist to be your lawfully wedded husband, for better or worse? Better… or worse? Better… or worse?
If you don’t want to marry me, why did you sit next to me on this bus?
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. Don’t talk to the cashier get your shit and move on. If you need someone to talk too get a parrot
[writing my will]
me: what is cremation
lawyer: they’ll turn your body into ash
me: oh sweet so do i also get a pikachu
“IN THIS CORNER.. DWAYNE “THE ROCK” JOHNSON”
*the rock beats chest*
AND IN THIS CORNER… RYAN “PAPER” WALLACE
*the rock is visibly nervous*
You know it was a good party when the neighbor sends you a text to say they managed to get your bra off their roof
Apple should make a sarcasm font and call it the iRoll.
If your spouse’s loud chewing bothers you, imagine how much it tortures the poor begging dog.
Call me old fashioned, but I think any woman that can open the lid of a jar by herself is a witch.
[flies trespassing in my house] release the frogs.