If you have a horse and you didn’t name it Edgar Allan Pony, we can’t be friends.
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“That’s one small step for man. That’s one open fridge for man. That’s one good sandwich for-”
“Neil! Stop.”
“I WALKED ON THE MOON, JANET”
I need a way to roll up a car window between me and a person talking to me when I’m not in a car
If you bring back your paper bags at Whole Foods, they’ll give a refund of 5 cents. After a year you’ll have enough money to buy an orange.
I sexually identify as an avocado.
Not in the mood.
Not in the mood.
Not in the mood.
Oh yes tonight is the nigh-
Too late, I’m over it.
My wife always accuses me of having a favourite child. It’s not true, I love Matthew and Not-Matthew equally.
Got a passcode lock that takes a picture whenever someone tries the wrong code to look in my phone.
I now have fifty pictures of drunk me.
Anyone who has to spend more than 2 mins at an ATM is obvilously sending a text to Optimus Prime
Oh sweet, I was wondering how every corporation I’ve ever given my email to was handling COVID-19.
Alligators can live up to 100 years, which is why there’s an increased chance that they will see you later.
I’m sure it’s fine.
hey there delilah, oh shit no i meant vicky
babe i promise you’re the only one
no this is not a hickey
♪it’s just a bruuuise ♪
[Interview]
Your resume just says “I’m a mom”. Why in the world would I hire you?
Me: BECAUSE I SAID SO THAT’S WHY!
Crested mynas, as many other birds, are born altricially, which means young are underdeveloped at the time of birth, therefore fed by parents. When they grow up, they have to learn that food doesn’t simply jump into their beaks [📽️: Rebecca Gelernter]
I’ve decided I want a sad funeral. None of this upbeat “celebration of life” shit. I want sobbing, ppl vomiting w grief, at least 2 suicides
date: so what do you do on the weekends.
me: mostly pet my cat.
date: oh your bio said you were a risk taker.
me: um yeah have you ever pet a cat.
No one is more focused than a person sitting on the subway pretending they don’t see the hugely pregnant woman standing in front of them.
If I don’t win Mega Millions tonight, I’m going to have to mend a lot of fences tomorrow.
Where there’s a will there’s a way. You just have to be nice to your rich aunt
“What are you going to be when you grow up?”
Tired.
The answer is tired.
Mad Max: Furry Road
PeeWee’s Playhouse gave me very unrealistic expectations of how much fun I would have with my furniture
Every one of my trophies might as well say “Best Trophy Thief.”
me[holding wife’s shirt] Can this go in the dryer?
wife:What does it say on the tag?
me:Gap
wife:The other tag
me:Oh
wife
me:Made in Vietnam
Nothing matters anymore so let’s bring back choreographed handshakes from 90s sitcoms
I no longer dislike Mondays, i’m mature now… I dislike the whole week.
Never go to bed angry. Stay up and make sure they don’t sleep either.
Dance like you’re not the father
Me: *coughs*
*coughs again*Husband: Are you ok?
Me: Yes.
*secretly opening the last sleeve of thin mints I don’t want to share*
Chivalry isn’t dead. He’s just sleeping. Right, chivalry? CHIVALRY!?