@BlackCatBettie: If you have a horse and you didn't name it Edgar Allan Pony, we can't be friends.
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@ANNIEwayyyy: My mom recently figured out that the best way to get me to call her back right away is to text me that someone died but not tell me who.
@markedly: *storms out of office bathroom* *slams roll of single-ply toilet paper on boss's desk* I CAN'T WORK LIKE THIS
@TheDailySchmuck: Every time I'm the only black person at a party I think: "Wow. I helped them make quota."
@bridger_w: If you're burglarizing a home and the owner walks in, defuse the situation by saying, "I seriously love your place"