If you have a horse and you didn’t name it Edgar Allan Pony, we can’t be friends.
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On the phone:
Me – Do you have brown or beige gravy for Thanksgiving?
Mom – Brown, why?
Me – No reason.
(Pulls out brown shirt for preemptive spills)
“Name him Mufasa, it means “king” in Manazoto. And uh, we’ll call HIM Scar. Because his face.”
Simba’s grandparents were the real villains.
How long does Netflix have to be down before they send someone to your house to stroke your hair & tell you everything’s going to be alright
What’s the difference between a a camera and a sock?
A camera takes photos,
a sock takes 5 toes.#SockDay #SundayVibes #RubbishJokes
When I was little and I had a runny nose, I would cover it with a Band-Aid instead of blowing it. That should’ve been my parents’ first clue.
SIRI, CALL FOR HELP! Searching for kelp. OMGYOU IDIOT! SIRI, GET AN AMBULANCE! There are 23 listings for lap dance in your area.
[burglar gently waking me] you live like this?
Have you ever just looked at someone and knew that their cornbread isn’t baked in the middle
[dinner]
SIS: I made $1M last year. Please pass the peas
BRO. Same. Please pass a roll
ME: I have $1.23 in my shoe. Please pass the cyanide
My therapy group is a joke. The doctor is supposed to match you with people you have something in common with but everyone here is nuts.
Clark Kent “I have a confession”
Lois Lane “what is it?”
*Clark removes his glasses*
Lois “Is it a bird?”
Clark “WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU”
*my boss going around the room to figure out what employees are most incentivized by
Me: FOREHEAD KISSES
[Calling the police]
“Help! Someone with a slice of beef strapped to his elbow is chasing me!”
“Stay calm.”
“Yes, that’s him!”
How the hell did we win World War II? Every soldier I’ve seen who fought in it is old as shit.
My wife is a beautiful, kind & giving woman who also checks my TL.
[Chasing a fox on my bike]
ME: How is he reaching the pedals?!
This woman named Amanda who lives above me burns her dinner nearly every night and it makes my apt smell like a fire pit so I’ve been calling her Burnie Manders behind her back to make myself feel better about it
I don’t understand why everyone hates the rich. Without them who would….
*checks notes*
…trash the economy repeatedly with no consequences?
For a mountain to be called Kilimanjaro, it needs to kill at least 1 manjaro.
I can’t wait til there’s a chalk outline filter
Welcome to your 40s, the kiddos finally let you sleep in but your bladder won’t allow it.
Scream 1996: killer uses landline; makes it until the end
Scream 2022: killer uses Facebook, twitter, insta; gets caught immediately
I never sit around waiting for anyone except for the pizza delivery guy..him I’ll wait for
I thought $3 eggs 🥚 were a lot
Until a saw a small bag of pistachios at the Airport going for $18
everyone is motivated by something different. for some folks it’s money, for others it’s a paycheck. some people are even motivated by cash hitting their bank account. others do it for the love of getting paid.
[Getting ready to go out]
Her: Is that what you’re wearing?
Narrator: He thought it was, but he was wrong.
Thank you hotel for offering me the convenience of making coffee in the bathroom
Unless you’re a female bat and you gave birth hanging upside down, I’m not interested in hearing about how your baby was born.
My daughter and I tell each other “you are pretty” when the other does something stupid. Obviously, we say like 15 times a day.
Sorry you saw that piece of corn but I tried flushing five times and it just wouldn’t go down.