Can’t. Busy getting sized up for a sister wife by the dude at tractor supply.
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contortionist: what’s wrong?
proctologist: your head’s in the way
WAITER: u can choose between 6 chocolate desserts and carrot cake
ME: the 6 chocolate desserts please
I hate people who take drugs. Like customs officers.
Milk prices could reach as high as $8/gallon soon & at those prices I’m giving everyone the OK to cry if you spill some.
I exit the pool in slow motion, running my hand through my receding hairline.
Some stranger replied to a tweet and asked me to date him, so I’m wondering what kind of weirdo does that and what should I wear.
wtf guy on bumble was like “I don’t like bumble can we talk on snap?” I was like “I don’t have snap u can message me on insta” and he was like “I don’t have insta what about kik” I was like “I don’t have kik what abt comments section of youtube video” and he unmatched me
Got fired from my last job as a nightclub promoter because I refuse to break the first rule of nightclub
[bill gates house]
Bill: What’s on at the cinema?
Wife: Let me google it and-
*terrified look at bill*
Wife: Let me bing it and see.
[garden of Eden]
Adam: you’d be so pretty if you smiled
Eve: think I’m gonna go talk to that snake
Me: Two men enter, one man leaves
Friend: Do you have to say that every time you drop me off at work?
mugger: I said, your money or your life
me: *takes his hand* and I knew which I’d give him
our kids: awww
On a scale of “glass half full” to “no plunger in your bathroom”, how optimistic are you?
During a calendar lesson today in first grade…
Me: Who can tell us what season of the year it will be this Saturday? What season comes after summer?
6yo boy: (completely serious) Football season.
me: [sneaking out of a funeral] this is DEAD boring lol
mourner: [whispering] hey where’s the priest going
“HAHA WTF LMAO OMG LOL HAHA WTF LMAO LMAO HAHA LOL OMG LMAO LOL WTF LMAO” – Birds at 6AM
Big shout out to the three people still trying to do jokes.
I don’t think of them as cheap hotels, I think of them as fancy camping.
[phone sex]
GF: Tell me you want me
ME: I want you badly
GF: How badly?
ME: I want you [checking thesaurus in a panic] haphazardly
[first date]
“Tell me two interesting things about yourself”
well I lie when I’m nervous…
“ok…”
and I invented oatmeal
Homosexuality was classified as an illness in Sweden in 1979 — Swedes protested by calling into work sick, saying they “felt gay.”
“I’ve invented the toaster”
SADISTIC CEO: What number toasts it perfectly?
“2”
SC: ok make it *cries with laughter* make it go up to 8
[music store]
me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar
him: sir, that’s a mandolin
my friends: “im not a hater but-”
me: “dont worry i am”
Judge: Approach the bench.
Cat Lawyer:
Judge: pspspsps
Ladies, if he:
– is hairy
– has trouble communicating
– is 1′ 4″
– wears a deerstalker hat
– solves mysteriesHe’s not your man. He’s Detective Pikachu.
Child: Mommy said I’m allowed to say the C-word now.
Me: Uh. What C-word?
Child: The bad one.
Me:
Child:
Me: Mommy is letting you say-
Wife [running in from other room]: CRAP SHE MEANS CRAP
No, I can’t come to your wedding. I just realized the remote works through the blanket.
Basketball