@WheelTod: I got picked on in Highschool: I was cut from the football team & failed the cheerleading tryouts on the same day they fired me as principal
@ryaninco: Me: I'll take another drink.
Bartender: Would you like for me to call you a cab sir?
Me: No it's cool he's driving * points at chair*
@TheTweetOfGod: "Miley Cyrus: 'Society Wants to Shut Me Down'". Not down, Miley. Up.
@ericONEderful: In college I had 3 girlfriends at the same time. 10 years and a wife later, I have 0 girlfriends. Stay in school kids.
@ohpegah: *thinks every animal is a type of dog*
*sees a cat* scratch dog
*sees a parrot* talk dog
*sees a worm* spaghetti dog
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