Girl: So, how many inches is it?
Pat: How many inches is what?
G: You know..
P: Uhhh, about 200 dollars long.
G: OMG, It’s so big!
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Close the door.
You’re letting the wifi out.
skydiving instructor: were not letting you jump out of this plane without a parachute
me: *wearing a hat with a little propeller on top* just trust me
Spelling matters. My husband texted me that we’re very low on time.
Thyme. He meant thyme.
“yes I’m very good in bed”
*folds blanket and neatly props up pillow*
*pillow falls over*
“Oh no, this doesn’t normally happen I swear”
Wife: please stop eating so much salt.
Me: why?
Wife: too much sodium can lead to high blood pressure, heart attack, and stroke.
Me: so you’re saying too much sodium is a salt with a deadly weapon?
Wife: [pours more salt on my food].
Pop up from someone’s backseat to show you care.
I’m praying to 1500 Hindu Gods to help me finish decorating this Christmas tree
I swear we are fighting two pandemics
Covid 19 and Stupidity
COP: License and registration please.
ME: *hands him $30 in Kohl’s cash*
COP: What do you think you’re doing?
ME: *slides him 20% Bed Bath & Beyond coupon*
COP: Have a good night.
Me: *Spitting out teeth*
Her: Omg what happened?
Me: I ate too many of them
ME: you told me to put my hands where you can see them
COP: yes but please don’t cup my face
[checking bag at the airport]: yes, that is indeed a bag
6yo:You can’t eat chips before dinner!
Me:YOU can’t. I’m a grown man. I do what I want.
*Wife walks in*: What’s that?
Me:WHAT? NOTHING. Huh?
people should stop trying to drive the biggest cars and start trying to drive the goofiest shaped cars. i want to drive a car in the shape of a pizza slice
All I’m saying is if paper beats rock why are rocks used as paperweights?
I can’t wait for the day when we can place specific blame in the fine print of pharmaceutical ads like CARL YOU’RE THE REASON WE CAN’T USE THIS WHEN WE’RE DRIVING THE BULLDOZER
Note to self: Before committing any murders, get head and shoulders. Can’t be leaving DNA all over the place.
Was it something I said?
*In the back of an ambulance
Me: Change the radio station
Paramedic: Please don’t speak. You need to save your energy
Me: Im not dying to a Nickelback song
I hate being bipolar it’s awesome
You know what rhymes with, “I’m Fine” ?
“More Wine”
welcome mats are just gateway rugs
My eldest child was born 5 years after we got married and yet she’s mad at us for not inviting her to the wedding. We will be focusing on math lessons this week
Save money by just buying bigger pants instead of paying a one year gym membership
Mugger: “Hand over your wallet and that ring you’re wearing.”
Me: “You can have my wallet but I’m going swimming and I need the inflatable to help me stay afloat.”
[At the stress test, staring at a treadmill]
Dr.: Just run at a speed where you can still talk normally.
*sits down on a chair*
Me: Okay.
An enterprising neighborhood kid started a business to fill in all those grownup coloring books for us. I feel more relaxed already.
Don’t get your panties in a bunch. The nicer ones are sold individually.
Get in loser, we are going dumpster diving.