If you have any selfies of you running from wolves then yes, I would be very interested.
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Me: Why is your sister listed as your emergency contact?
Husband: Because you won’t answer your phone.
Me: Yes I would! Maybe. Probably. Well, eventually.
me: who’s ur favorite actor
date: meryl-
me: before you answer, did u know air bud and beethoven were played by the same dog
date: holy shit
ON PHONE WITH MY MOM
HER: You still single and living with your stray cat family?
ME: *proudly* No I am not!
*high fives my pet penguin
nurse: height
me: 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
*puts on winter boots*
*trudges through newly fallen legos*
HER: I’m breaking up with you..
ME: Is it because W e A re I N a Bl a k H o l e ?
C ¡ !
H
E R: Y
e S
! ! ! !
2000: I don’t want no scrubs
2020: I’m actually gonna need all those scrubs.
*slowly releases air from a balloon during your wedding vows*
Ways to look busy:
1. Turn up later than everyone else but rush into the office looking annoyed
2. Act like spending half an hour in the toilet has annoyed you
3. Rush around with an open laptop looking annoyed
4. Get annoyed at a printer
5. Just generally look annoyed
FYI: I guess the goal of bobbing for apples is not who can drink all the water.
I think “Ur mom” is a sassy answer to any question.
Especially “Who gave birth to me” or “Who divorced my dad”.
Sperm: hey
Egg: hi
Fallopian Tube: ugh get a womb u two
i’m on my way to a date with a girl i asked out while blackout drunk in the bathroom of pie express. i don’t know what she looks like or why she agreed to go out with me but wish us luck lmao
Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered
Penguin 1: Let’s stay in tonight.
Penguin 2: I didn’t dress like this to stay home.
Garfield: I hate Mondays
Therapist: You don’t even have a job
[I open my lunchbox at work to find an apple]
“But that means…”
[Cut to Isaac Newton in 1666, jumping up from under a tree while wiping cold spaghetti out of his eyes]
I’m so glad we could finally reconnect after all these years because I’d really like your help on my virtual farm.
Me, being chased by an angry mob with torches and pitchforks: Are you guys mad at me?
Me: Twitter isn’t as enjoyable anymore. So frustrating
Therapist: Why don’t you stop using it
Me: Then I’d have to come here every day and tell you my tweets
Therapist: absolutely not
My 4yo was pretending to be a cat before bed, then meowed a few times in his sleep. Now that is commitment to a bit
Worth remembering.
At my grandma’s house and just accidentally let out a “yall stop running in and out” omg it’s over 💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔
Me: I want to ask you one question – are you an ortho-DONT-ist, or an ortho-DO-ist?
Orthodontist: I’m not giving your cat braces
Trying to get healthier, I took up shadow boxing. I’m getting a lot better at it, but so is he.
6-year-old: I’m laughing cause your laugh makes me laugh. Your joke’s not funny though.
That stung.
Boss: Good suggestions at the staff meeting today, Bill.
Me: I talk in my sleep?
“They tell me you’re the greatest sniper in the world,” says the stranger.
“Maybe,” I say, tossing a can at the bin, missing it by miles.
I try not to get political on twitter, but cinderella’s step mom was a real piece of shit
[Spider-Man shows up at my house]
*I carefully scoop him up on a piece of paper and release him outside my door*