@numbertze: If you have ever sat in the toilet at work and wondered how long you can sit there before someone searches for you, the answer is 47 minutes
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@iscoff: "Did you hire a wedding photographer?" Sure did! *a dog with a gopro strapped to its head runs by*
@Ristolable: It's not illegal to convince your child that she is the only person who can see the sun and must never talk about it.
@david8hughes: God: done? Noah: yea G: whats this Noah proudly: a swing set G: u built a park. I asked for an ark N: a what? G: a boat N: say boat then
@KeetPotato: me: [breaks long awkward silence] "so what do you do for a living?" taxi driver: [just looks at me]