If you have more than 4 kids I automatically refer to you as a hoarder.
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It’s OK, The Phantom Menace. I also came out in 1999 and am a bit disappointing
Sure I could kill you with kindness, but let’s see what else is lying around first.
HEY YOU WANNA GO FOR A RIDE IN MY TRUCK BABY. NO I WANNA GO TO YOUR HOUSE. MEET YOUR WIFE. MAYBE SHE WANTS TO COME WITH?
[Man starts having a heart attack on a United flight]
Attendant: “Is there a doctor on board?”
Ian: “I’m a-”
*gets dragged off the flight*
When my daughter was six I picked her up from kindergarten. It was overcast and drizzling. She pointed up to the sky and said “that’s where the sun would be if we had one” and I was like OK settle down, Finding Emo
We couldn’t just…..find their homes?
My husband is going to be so surprised when he finds out the woman I’ve been sleeping with is way hotter than his girlfriend.
“GRAAAAAAIIIINNNNS” — Vegetarian Zombie
Sometimes I feel driving over Beliebers, but then I’m like, “what is wrong with me??” because I just got my car washed.
we’ve all been home together for a solid week now and my 6-year-old has expressed daily outrage about how the wh- in “whole” is different than in “when” and “why” and now i’m mad about it too
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “bananas”
GWEN STEFANI: oh hell yes
Everybody please go potty because after we rob this bank we’re not gonna stop again for a while
The nice part about living in a small town is that when you don’t know what you are doing, someone else does!
Before you decide to have kids, you should know that they need to be entertained 27 hours a day.
My math is correct, just ask any parent.
Since Hemsworth didn’t go for Thanos’s head, Avengers: Infinity War is a Chris miss movie.
Dropped mother-in-law at airport.
Her flight isn’t until Tuesday, but with security and all, best to play it safe.
*man with beerbelly waiting outside elementary school*
*teacher walks towards man*
“are you expecting a child?”
“no thats from all the beer”
Me: I am so approachable and easy to get along with
Anyone: hey girl
Me: 😠
Anyone: excuse me ma’am
Me: 😡
Anyone: yo mister
Me: 😡😡😡
god: [creating sharks] make them apex predators of the ocean
angel: sounds fearsome
god: ya but if you punch them in the face they just immediately leave
hacker: ready?
weapons guy: I was born ready
[25 years earlier]
doctor: it’s a boy!
midwife: where did he get nunchucks
Your boss takes you way more serious if you text him a picture of him sleeping in bed..
[aliens making first contact]
Alien: here you go guys, now you won’t need to wear glasses
If there was a game show where people have to find a phone charger before their phone dies I would win the million dollars
DIRTY HARRY [points gun] Go ahead make my day
*I take him to the zoo & then the park, we have ice cream*
DH: well this has been wonderful
I feel like this would increase accidents because if I saw that I would assume it’s a demon arriving to drag my soul to hell.
This is the best one I’ve seen
“The truth has finally been revealed” around the world:
5. The cat is out of the bag (English)
4. The bunny is out of the hat (Czech)
3. The pigeon falls out of your mouth (Romanian)
2. The turtle’s feet have appeared (Taiwanese)
1. Now the monkey comes out of the sleeve (Dutch)
“Welcome, Mr. Bond.” I say, spinning around on my chair. My elbow catches the glass on the table and spills water all over my death ray.
A remake of The Notebook called The iPad
i saw this and everything about it annoyed me so i’m posting it in hopes that it annoys you too