If you have never had a friend that you haven’t contemplated leaving at a gas station forever I applaud you.
You Might Also Like
I was sitting there getting my hair cut, when a spider ran across the floor.
And that’s how you accidentally get bangs.
My “get up and go” got up and left years ago.
Me *putting honey on toast*
Son: do you know bees make that?
Me: uh yeah I’m not an idiot
[Later]
Date: tell me something interestingMe: bees make toast
kid: dad how do you make a bubble?
me: well son you take an asset, and you give people a reason to value that asset at a much higher price than it’s intrinsic worth, thus triggering speculative investments-
kid: *puts away bubble blower and soap*
after i eat lunch there’s a 1-hour window where you can convert me to any religion
I have to ugly cry for the facial recognition to work.
Me: *rubbing bread on a dog*
Friend: When I said pet with the grain
If you’re ever lost in the woods, just find the brightest star in the sky and you’ll know which way space is.
Eight months since I had laser eye surgery. Still no lasers.
Technically lava can kill coronavirus, but there’s a good reason why no-one is using it in the fight against the ongoing pandemic: nothing else would survive the encounter with molten rock either.
Quarantine Stories: We’ve got every TV channel available to us, but my husband and I would rather watch a fly meeting its demise, as our kitchen spider who we named, “Brad Pitt,” settles down for a meal.
I’m giving up for Lent.
“Welcome to the jungle”
Thanks.
“We’ve got fun and games”
Cool.
“You’re in the jungle”
We’ve established this
“You’re gonna die!”
Wait what?
My cats won’t talk to me because I came home late from work.
Oh my god don’t get heckled by British soccer fans. I didn’t even do anything and 150 of them just chanted my bank login and password back to me to the tune of Wonderwall. Are you kidding me
judge: 99 yrs
me: is it cos i called ur gavel a justice hammer?
judge: no that actually helped
me: killing then
judge: yeah the killing
My astrological sign is KFC gravy
subtitles are so good nowadays
The perfect sticker placement doesn’t exi-
*gets email*
-Do you want to chat with hot nineteen-year olds in your area?-
*responds*
“Can any of them help me with this iTunes update?”
I got drunk and went to an AAA meeting. It didn’t help. There were just a bunch of sober people talking about roadside maintenance.
Me <in a meeting, whispers>: I don’t really like Gary.
Gary: I’m Gary.
Me: I know.
me: hate mechanics who talk down to me
also me: this guy is perfect
Walks you into the bedroom.
Stands you up straight against the wall.
*you notice the sign that says “You must be this tall to ride this guy”
I realized I was taking too long to get my toddler her food when she started growling at me
I think it’s fair to question whether or not Barack Obama is an American. I mean, look at him.
He’s awfully thin…
My safe word is extra cheese
…in queso emergency.
dad: when i die, donate my body to science
[later]
me: *handing an urn to the first guy in a labcoat i see* uh here you go
I was worried my kids would never know the joy of a commercial break, and then we got Hulu
Please don’t call it man flu. Its correct name is manchester flunited.