Sean Connery still has nightmares about the time he told a woman to sit on his face.
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Hair Dresser: You could get extensions to add length.
Me: You could stop cutting.
Mirror mirror on the wall, please make me look like a mix between emaciated and “I’d hit that.”
I use the incognito browser to search how to do the things I told my wife I know how to do
What idiot named them twins instead of wombmates?
Investing in beetcoin
I don’t know if hand sanitizer actually works but it sure as hell lets you know where the broken skin is hiding
“Hello this is your captain speaking. I have fallen out of the plane yikes lol. Very impressed with the range on this Bluetooth headset tho”
Tell people the nice things you noticed about them, you uncooked noodle
My children wanted to play airplane rides and are very upset because I told them my flight is fully booked
If you go to jail for tax evasion, you are living off taxes for not paying taxes.
Norwegian stuntmen are like, “I HAVE TO CROSS THE FJORD,” and then they jump over the hjood.
Uh oh I opened a package of cookies without washing my hands first and for my family’s safety will have to eat the whole thing
demon: [looking around inside me] dude no offence but it’s like kind of a nightmare in here
me: haha yeah
demon: how are all your thoughts in comic sans
interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills
me: yes, that number is zero
ME: i’ve never been to europe
SOMEONE WHO’S BEEN TO EUROPE: you should totally go
ME: now that i think of it, it’s only been my lack of desire, alone, that has ever inhibited me to go so ok why not
Average age of billionaires: 65
Average age of billionaires in books: 35
Everyone: Sleep when your baby sleeps.
My brain: Oh man she’s so cute. Just stare at her for two hours straight until she wakes up again.
me: we need to go to the ATM machine
thomas: lol ATM machine. isnt that a bit redundant you idiot
me (thinking about my Automatic Thomas Murdering machine): this is why we need to go to the ATM machine
Dr: your father is real sick
Woman: [sobbing] how long?
[her dad wheelies past on a bmx]
Dr: almost six yards that time
Crime tip: commit all your crimes in space NASA is not the space police there are no laws up there you will not go to jail
Me, December 2016: I’m going to buy this juicer and lose some weight in January
Me, January 2017: I have eaten the juicer
me: did you even eat lunch today?
10: yea
me: what’d you have?
10: i haaaaad cheezits, ice cream and a rice crispy treat
me: your mom is gonna kill me.
Text from wife: I’m so sorry, I’m gonna be about half an hour late
Me [forgot we were even meeting, still in bed]: you always do this
CW: can i ask a stupid question
ME: sure u seem qualified
If you get butterflies in your stomach
You should probably stop eating insects
I hate when you have 47 items and the cashier asks, “Do you need a bag?” Oh no, I’m heading right back to the circus, so I’ll just juggle all this shit for 6 miles”
[approaches group of male coworkers talking about the superbowl]
man oh man I can’t wait to watch the
[looks at left palm]
rams & the patriots play
[looks at right palm]
football
bananaphobia: when you don’t have any nagging fears but your therapist puts you on the spot so you pick whatever you had for breakfast
As I get older I realize my eyesight is not what it used to be.
I saw ‘whole eggs’ and read it as ‘whale eggs’ and for a minute I thought “whales lay eggs?”
People I live with are hiding my shit. The two most effective hiding places to date:
1) out in the open
2) where I last left it