If you have streaks of purple, green or blue in your hair, I will try to eat that cotton candy off your head until you tell me to stop.
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son: how did I get my name
me: *holds up baby name book*
son: ugh terrible
me: shut up ISBN 978-1910336526
[crane rental company]
Customer: *holding 25-pound bird* what the hell is this
Some of us matured in our 30’s and naturally stopped committing crime as the risk was not deemed worth the reward
Some of us just developed bad knees
[while titanic is sinking]
me: [mouth full of shrimp at the buffet] I can’t believe no one is eating these lol
In Heaven
Me: I can’t believe how much stuff the Bible got wrong
Gid: You idiots couldn’t even get my Giddamn name right
I can tell my 5yo will make a great politician someday by the way he uses other kids as human shields in dodgeball.
me: help, my house is burning down!
mrs doubtfire: *narrows eyes* prove it
MY DAD (pounding on bathroom door): You’d better not be looking at mortgage rates again
Remember, your neighbours aren’t going to be attacked by killer bees on their own. You have to want it. You need to make it happen.
I was on a search party in the forest last night.
Bit of a boring party.
We found a dead guy though.
Eat healthy, but remember that greasy foods protectively coat your heart so it pops out of the fist of those who attempt to crush it.
I am a:
⚪️ man
⚪️ woman
🔘 gooseLooking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 bread
During dinner 10 asked 5 to imagine a world without ketchup. She hasn’t spoken in 3 hours I think he broke her
If you’re in your car, go ahead and pick your nose, because the car makes you invisible.
Sometimes I get bored and tell people I’ve never had pizza before.
Thanks Facebook for letting me know Bobby from kindergarten and Bobby’s two hacked accounts all have birthdays today
You know you have something special w someone when u start finishing their sentences. But enough about me & my local Subway sandwich artist
Why do I never crave carrots or broccoli at midnight? Why is it always some unhealthy shit like Taco Bell or pizza?
[first date]
her: what did you study in college
me: (wearing ski mask) burgling
“You’re a rather handsome woman” isn’t a great opener on Tinder apparently
Growing up, a lot of people had crushes on Jennifer Aniston. I just liked her as a friend.
*gets home from game*
“whoa what happened to your eye”
I was on the Kiss Cam
“oh she wasn’t into it?”
with the t-shirt cannon guy’s daughter
I like to finish my pelvic exam by asking the doctor ‘hey, where’d your watch go?’
[blind date]
HER: I love sports!
ME: Uh…me too
HER: Have you ever played tennis on grass
ME: No, but I once went bowling on crystal meth
we thought buying an abandoned silo and turning it into a Gamer Silo would be easy, but after most of our computers, consoles, LED lights, streaming equipment, and three guys sank into the grain we realised that this was going to be a real challenge.
me, as a child: *walks into the kitchen covered in my own blood holding a rabbit I fought from a hawk*
my mom, on the phone: *mouthing* I’m on the phone
Any job that calls u a rockstar just know they’re underpaying u
Thoughts and prayers to everyone in Hawaii who finally came clean w/ a spouse or partner thinking the missile was on its way.